Nurturing the Hair Brain

Aug 28, 2007. I woke up early this morning to spend time with Ms B before the start of my first full work day without my hat. I felt mentally lethargic and hazy as we chatted about the blog I had posted the night earlier. Ms B then said to me “You may wear your hat today. I cancel last night’s order. I'm doing this because I don't like the emotional effect the order has on you and I do it happily and am not disappointed in the least.” I suddenly felt pathetic, in that my lesser behavior last night and this morning had influenced her decision. Ms B reassured me of her understanding and concern while pointing out that I was not ready for this challenge. She vowed to move forward in a manageable pace and ordered me to research the local hair styling salons in preparation for a new cut and style. This significantly raise my spirits as I felt enthusiastic about this idea despite the guilt I still held for letting my vulnerabilities surface so dramatically. Society seems to portray men as being tough and in control of them selves until the point where they snap and deal with there situation in some physical expression of energy. I left the house that night without my hat saying to myself, take it like a man and deal with it head on. No one would have ever known how I really felt about the situation, not even Ms B, if it were not for this blog/journal. Had I never written and submitted my thoughts then I would have denied Ms B of her function, her role and her purpose as the dominant of our relationship. She said it best in these final words to me that morning. “You didn't (drag me down) and this is apart of the job love. It is what makes me feel like a woman.” If I were to hold on to the strong silent type persona and pretend that I could deal with any challenge I would be denying us both one of the most cherished qualities that men and woman share in there emotional intimacy. In a word, “nurturing” is the way we help each other to grow and bond together in a loving relationship.

A Hair Raising Dilemma.

This morning I shaved and trimmed my facial hair in a significant way for the first time in more than a month. When I got home I took 40 digital pics of myself in as I adjusted my hair and clothing, looking for a picture that pleased my minds eye. The results were disappointing mainly because I am still not happy with my hair. I expressed my dissatisfaction with Ms B and mentioned that I felt a sense of security by hiding under a hat when I go out in public. Ms B then took control and forbid me from wearing a hat ever again unless the circumstances were extreme enough to warrant it. I was amused at the notion and had a hard time taking this demand seriously. As I began to fear that she was serious I thought there is no way I would be able to make this promise and keep it so I dug in and responded negatively. She reminded me of my pact of submission as I sought ways to deflect or stall the conversation. She suggested that a week would not be so bad and I hypothetically agree with her not realizing that she would take it as an official agreement. I have no guarantee that after a week I would be free to wear my hats again, but worse yet I later realized that the worst part will be the first few days. She asked me to consider: How did it feel to dig my heals into the sand? I felt a sense of desperation to pull my hat out of the fire without risking the loss of my status as submissive under consideration for Ms B’s collar. I felt I could listen to her tone and seek a distraction or compromise until she put her foot down. No I do not want to remove my hat in public at this time of the evolution of my appearance. Ms B wants to take away the thing that shields me from the public of my most significant hang-up and she is not giving me any time to prepare myself. I can see myself spending 30 minutes in the bathroom tomorrow fussing with my hair to make it look reasonable in my minds eye. It’s probably going to be a waist of my time since I do not have any hair care products to control my hair and allow any pleasing shapes. I would imagine the best I can do tomorrow morning is to pull it all back tight and tie it much like the photo that both her and I dislike. Going out in public with this image in my minds eye will be humiliating experience and it will start right now. I need to feed my friends cat tonight so I will be back soon. … As it turned out I followed Ms B’s order and took a picture of myself before going out and when I returned. I stopped off at the drug store along the way and bought some hair spray thinking this will help in the morning. As I entered the store I had thought of a strategy to help me deal with my humiliation. Normally I watch peoples eyes and reactions, but this time I purposely avoided eye contact so that I would not know if they were looking at me. I thought “Ignorance is bliss” but I still feel lesser of a man having stooped to this level. I am not a happy camper now that I am exhausted, seeing it is way past my bed time as I finish this entry.

My Public Profile: First Draft

Several days ago Ms B and I had been discussing my public profiles and she had given me an assignment . In approximately 100 worlds, describe myself and what I am looking for in a woman. The following is my first draft:

Growing up in a loving happy family, having adopted many of the positive traits of the role models in my life, I see myself as a well rounded individual. I am patient, attentive listener, eager to contribute, mild mannered gentlemen, polite, respectful of others feelings, thoughtful, considerate, gentle with humour and open to expressing my feelings. Focusing on my goal my independent nature helped created a comfortable lifestyle that I now want to share equally with a mature affectionate woman. Much more then companionship, a relationship growing from friendship into a strong bond of emotional intimacy. A healthy lifestyle with time to enjoy the highs and supporting in the lows, sharing our interests and experiences in positive and creative ways.

Sub Chat: Internet dumping grounds.

Tonight I went to the Second life forum and listened in to the Sub chat regarding relationships and the power of emotions in internet role-play. Too many complaints of dishonest or transient avatars disregarding the real feelings of others over the internet. In fact the ability to own multiple logs and avatars enables people to develop a throw away culture of handling relationships in SL. Even I have experienced this culture first hand May of last year, in my first experience in Second Life. A lady friend I had known from a different game had invited me to join her in SL so that we might have our avatars build a virtual life together. She seemed to take on the role of dominant female and so I followed her lead and moved more like a submissive switch. She had collard me in less then a week but it did not feel strange to me since we had known each other as friends for more then a year. She was working in SL as a manager of a dance club and this occupied at least 16 hours of every day. I have a career in real life so I would devote my free time, about 4 hour to log in and spend time with her at the SL dance club. Spending the majority of our time at the club I began to developed ways to interact with her so that she could function as manager and yet I could still entertain her. Less then a month passed and I was content with my role, even feeling safe as she had asked me to buy a kinky toy the day before. I came home that night to tell her of my adventure getting the toy only to find her in distress. She led me away from the club and told me that she did not deserve to own me and she felt it was best that she set me free. I was shocked and stunned with disbelief. I took the hint and stepped back to let her have some space only to discover a day later that she was engaged to be married in a week to the owner of the dance club. What I learned from this experience was that even while I was blind sided, I am tough enough to handle an emotional tragedy as this had been.

Ms B settles my emotional distress

You know, I find it strange how life can always surprise you. I had always felt like I was the one in control of my feelings, speaking out to my partner to help them deal with there emotional distress. Today I had felt a significant amount of emotional distress and I needed to express it in efforts to relieve the pressure. I had two projects on the go that were needing my full attention and quick completion so I was not able to take the time to write out and process my feelings. I had to bottle it up and force myself to focus on the jobs at hand until I made it home this evening. Ms B had logged in just in time to talk it through with me and she was able to settle my distress. She helped me find a center of balance and eased my feelings in a way that has taken much of the weight off my shoulders. This is what I had thought I had done for other people who came to me with there problems and I find it interesting to see this in action from the opposite point of view. My only concern is that I think she must deal with similar feelings as I do but who is there in her life to release her from these emotional pains and burdens? Worse yet, what if I am contributing to her emotional burden and not providing an outlet for her own emotional stability. I am not knowledgeable with my role as submissive to be confident to answer my questions so I defer to rule number one. Trust in that Mistress knows best.

The human art form, personal appearance.

My activity in the past few days has not inspired me to write in my journal. I had been focussed on work and renovating my front porch and back deck, spending time with friends and family. Ms B and I spent some quality time playing a new game and the topic of BDSM had been some what distant in my mind. It was my desire to fill my writing with relevant thoughts regarding my D/s experiences but today I feel it is necessary to discuss some thing relevant to everyday life. I sat back to analyze my choices for posting images in three public internet profiles and I felt that these photos represented my appearance today and the past two years in an honest and truthful light. Yes I agree that I have been holding on to a rough looking persona that simply does not reflect the desires of the average female in today’s society. I have many silly excuses among some odd philosophical explanations for my behaviour. I could write a book on myself but I think it is best I do not waist your time with explanation. In fact I have been slowly moving in a new direction in life and changing my appearance will be one of the next things that I will be focusing upon. I was very pleased to share the topic with Ms B tonight and receive several constructive suggestions. Despite what I believe the average woman to be looking for in the appearance of a man, I am more motivated to adopt to the personal preferences of Ms B. I suppose in the end I will blend her ideas with my comfort levels and slowly make changes with my appearance.

Neverwinter Nights Introduction to BDSM

Aug 17 2007 Neverwinter Nights Introduction to BDSM
Much to my delight and surprise, Ms B has taken interest in one of my all time favourite online role play games. In fact within the social game servers of online Neverwinter Nights I discovered my interest in BDSM. Starting in late 2004 I joined a role play game server where the focus subject matter was a BDSM themed battle of the sexes within a Dungeons and Dragons environment including some distant Gorean influences. One city dominated by men and one city dominated by woman. The Matriarchal society was most appealing to me in various physiological ways. How ever I took timid steps taking time to observe all the fascinating behavior surrounding me as I established a character (Crimson Sharpshank) who took a humble role as combat medic in the military of the male dominated society. Through my actions healing and strengthening my brothers, Crimson became a target of the enemy Female forces and soon found himself imprisoned and interrogated by the Queen herself. She quickly assessed that I was not a female hating slave driver. The Queen spent an hour to teach me the error of the ways of my brothers and made a one time deal with me for my freedom. In exchange that I do not provoke acts of war I am allowed to focus my energy on healing the wounded after combat was completed. Over time I observed that the most common scenario in this game world was to see the damsel in distress being dragged off by my brother warriors to be imprisoned, interrogated, assessed for there value to be ransomed or enslaved. Slave training with various levels/extremes of D/s was practiced in these two societies where the opposite sex had the lowest social standing. Another observation that has made me a little less out going is that the majority of players are actually real life males, including males who take the role as female. Eventually I moved on to a more mature server with an older player base and more real life females. I have set down some roots in that server and I welcome Ms B to visit some day in the future.

Sub Chat at the SL forum

Aug 16 2007 Sub Chat at the SL forum
After another full day at work I return home to learn that I must make preparation for my latest home renovation project. After checking into second life I discover I have some free time so I took advantage to do some work out side. Having completed the preparations out side I logged into Second life to visit the sub chat forum. One of the submissives describes her situation with her dominant granting her permission to meet new friends but she must bring them to meet the Dominant. The Dominant seems to glare at the new friends, as if behaving like a father or Jealous partner. Some ask if it is a sense of insecurity or simply his rightfully protective responsibility. There was no good answer offered to the situation but the conversation flowed into communicating to the dominant what the submissive wants. One remark seemed important for me to note when it comes to communicating with the dominant. When the sub has the opportunity to express them selves they need to be direct, concise and to the point. The idea of throwing around subtle hints will result in a futile and frustrating waist of time and effort. Moving on within that topic one sub was concerned whether her real life boy friend was trying to behave as her Dom just to make her happy or if he actually liked the role. She had been the first person in the relationship to initiate there exploration of BDSM and she asked him if he would treat her like a dom would treat a sub. Again the answer is communication but not as direct as asking “do you like being my Dom” but instead asking how do you feel about the ideas we have been sharing. In efforts to help the girl in opening her boy friend to all the possibilities a few ideas were shared. Reading some stories or descriptions of scenes could inspire some progressive thinking. Switching roles to set examples and create experiences to provide a base line of reference. Offering your personal writing that describes your idea of a scene and the physical and emotional sensations that you would expect to explore. Following the Sub chat I spent some time watching Big Brother and then before bed I made a few more preparations for my home renovation project.

Planning a visit to Gor.

Aug 15, 2007 Planning a visit to Gor.
Ms B mentioned that she was thinking of taking me to Gor. It would be an opportunity for me to see a different style of submission. I have never read the vast series of books but I have been exposed to various interpretations of Gorean society created in a Game world called Neverwinter Nights. This game has a tool set for designing and creating your own world where as many as 60 people can log in to share a role play experience. I have visited a few Gorean inspired servers with this game software and this is the extent of my experiences with Gorean society. I have listened to several females speaking of how they can rejoice in being a woman, where she is often an exciting, magnificent and glorious specimen in Gorean society. These ideas confuse me when I learned that Gorean society is based in the superiority of males who enslave females. I have heard that this enslavements typically reaches the highest of extremes where a slave can be treated like an animal to be broken and sold like property. Despite the negative implications I believe that there are many interesting aspects to explore that relate to BDSM. I am not sure where I will fit into the Gorean society but I know that Ms B can move into two possible roles. The most natural role for her would be the free woman. I have heard that the free woman typically has a male guard or protector that stays in her presence while she moves in public. I do not know if Free woman would have male submissives under there control in a society that is based in male supremacy. However I have seen male silks so perhaps the interpretation of Gorean society has been relaxed to include Submissive males. On the opposite side of the fence I could not imagine that Ms B would be comfortable to risk role playing as a Panther girl. From the descriptions I have heard, the Panther girls do take males as prisoners so this has some exciting potential for me but Panther girls are always at risk of capture from Gorean men. What ever role that I am asked to portray, I am open and eager to share this new experience with Ms B.

Sharing each other, forming deep bonds

Aug 14 2007 Sharing each other, forming deep bonds
On Sunday night Ms B had instructed me that the up stairs room was off limits to me unless invited. This is her home and the upstairs is her space and I can respect that boundary. Additionally she spent some time making preparations in that room and asked me to log in early in the morning for she had a surprise for me. I was delighter to comply and so we met early the next morning. Due to circumstances not under our control we had to post pone the surprise until this morning when I was invited into her room. She had prepared the room to put me to good use as well as share an intimate moment through voice chat. This was a new experience for both of us but it never occurred to me as being uncomfortable or tense. Perhaps I seemed a little gity, and perhaps I suffered some anxiety but I did not realize it at any point. The most intense feeling that consistently crossed my mind was my sensation of awe and connection to her that she was sharing such intimate moments with me. Before we parted ways for the morning Ms B had instructed me to lock my chastity device on myself for the day. Later that morning at work, the events of this morning replayed in my minds eye. As a result I experienced a confined throbbing erection with an uncomfortable amount of pressure on my balls due to the chastity cage clamp design. The squirming sensation was very sensual as my cock grew inside and down the curved cage, filling the space and squeezing the lubricants and air out. In contrast at the same time my balls were being tugged by the cage ball clamp, as the shaft of my cock throbs inside the retaining ring, pushing the cage further away from my pelvis. An hour later and then again it seemed once an hour all day I had a similar experience. I found myself spending a little bit less time sitting to work and more time walking or standing. With each step I felt the light weight cage tugging and jiggling at my genitals with the occasional squirming sensation on my glans. Now that I have returned home I opened my Second life program and once again enjoy the contrasting sensations of my chastity cage after reading a special note from Ms B. More powerful are the deep emotional connections and my confident feelings that yes I am walking the right path, following Ms B.

Procedures for when I make mistakes.

Aug 12, 2007 Procedures for when I make mistakes.
This morning I had just a few minutes to chat with Ms B. She had plans so she had to get going, but before she did she asked me to complete a task. I remember thinking that the words she typed were slightly confusing and in haste I did not want to start repeating what I thought she wanted me to do. I suppose it was arrogant for me to put aside my confusion and read into what I thought she was asking. Later in the afternoon she confronted me asking what she had told me to do. As it turned out I had failed to understand what she had really wanted so she pointed out that my anticipation and assumptions of her wants, needs and desires can get me into trouble. Perhaps it is more important for me to confirm that what I think she wants, is actually correct before I rush off to do it. We both know that despite my best intentions, it is inevitable that I make many mistakes and there is a procedure for me to follow in such an event. Once I realize that I have created a problem I should stop to think and evaluate the origin of my errors. Coming to terms with the situation means that I should want to accept the consequences of my actions no matter how big or small I might think the issue might be. It is then appropriate to confess my errors and beg for forgiveness. If I know there are specific consequences for my actions, then it would be appropriate for me to beg for punishment. I must admit this last part is a strange concept for me, but now that I know the rules, I can follow the procedures and willingly accept the punishment. I trust Ms B and her judgement so even if I don’t understand the details or why she does things I am confident that she is acting in our best interests. All she needs from me is my willingness to accept her authority, responding appropriately because this is the foundation of our D/s relationship.

The Natural Origins of my BDSM Fetish

Aug 11, 2007 The Natural Origins of my BDSM Fetish
Today Ms B had suggested that if I were to look into my youth that I would remember situations that I could relate back to my interests in BDSM. As I learned about the subject matter in late 2004 I began to realize that BDSM is a catch all expression to describe many of the behaviours that I had naturally and innocently explored all through my life. To my astonishment my first memory of behaving naturally in this subject matter was as a boy , younger then 12 years old. I was laying in bed with a collection of long thin balloons blown up and tied in rings. I would roll them around my body from upper arms down to my ankles as if they were body bindings or soft futuristic restraints and imagine that I was captured by an aggressive female. I could not remember specifically why she wanted to capture me but it was exciting enough for me to just think that she wanted me under her complete control. These moments of youth is where I discovered my sexuality as I recall the physical arousal and slippery moisture oozing from the tip of my penis. I now related the memory to my extreme arousal to submitting to captivity directly from the superior female persona, control being physically taken away, subjected to bondage, feel of latex, subjected to experimentation, the rush from fear of the unknown and yet the female presence is behaving in a nurturing, caring, possessive tone.

Sub space chat in the SL forum

Aug 10, 2007 Sub space chat in the SL forum
After having a busy day at work it was very relaxing to come home and unwind with Ms B. She whisked me off for a shopping trip and such an excursion can really loosen me up. I had a lot of fun chatting and musing with her as we tried on new hair styles and colours. As is with life all good things come to an end but the fond memories shall remain. It was important to Ms B that I supported the Sub chat forum and so I parted form her magnetic company to make a presence with the hope to learn something new. Indeed this topic was new to me in that I have never had the experiences as was described in the discussions. I have heard of sub space in the past but it might come in helpful to have a fresh memory of the topic. Some descriptions suggest that the mind of the sub will slip into a primal state, dream like, narrowly focussed like tunnel vision, vulnerable to suggestion, altered state of mind like a trance, emotions easily manipulated. Each sub might describe there experience differently including the recovering experience sometimes referred to the Sub Drop. Coming down from a high or the recovering from the subspace can have various emotional or mental sensations that all the submissive have agreed that the Dom/me needs to take care for the sub through the whole experience including follow up or aftercare, possibly discovering new emotions a day later. I wish I had something to offer in contribution but this is where the sub chat ended. Simply a topic I could not relate to but perhaps it will help me in the future.

Deserving punishment and a kneeling experience

Aug 9, 2007 Deserving punishment Amendment
After Ms B took the time to read my journal she had a question for me. I believe that Ms B felt that I deserve to be punished. I do not want to be punished but I welcome it enthusiastically because it will be a new experience with possible entertainment and learning value. I do not feel a mental or emotional need for release from any guilt because my crimes were not conscious acts of transgression. I expect there to be consequences for my actions and I am fully willing and prepared to accept anything that Ms B feels is necessary. I have released myself from the burden to deciding what I deserve for consequences of any miss deeds I do. I expect Ms B to carry this responsibility and I will not take her judgments as a personal attack. When Ms B asked me if I felt I deserved to be punished for my past actions I attempted to respond with the truth in that very micro second of time. I did not have the right word to describe what I had just wrote above so the words I used was that I did not take this all that seriously but I report my transgressions openly for you to use against me as you see fit. Indeed a poor choice of words but I felt indifferent to implications of the question because I did not know exactly what situation she was refering to. For me to answer the question completely I would need to review each situation case by case and attempt to assign a value to my crimes but I have no experience to use as a base of reference. I do not have control over any of this, so in order to not drive myself crazy I need to release my desire to have control. If I were to take the topic of punishment as a serious situation for me to control then there would be a conflict of opinions with Ms B and myself. I take the opposite role in this topic, thus my answer to her was that I do not take this all too seriously. Towards the end of our discussion Ms B told me to kneel, and so I did for the duration of 20 minutes while we chatted. Yes it was extremely uncomfortable. After I sat down again I started to feel the blood vessels around my knees starting to throb. I cannot imagine how kneeling could be a safe practice for lengthily periods of time but I think a little bit of strength or endurance training would help. I found it difficult to concentrate on our conversation because I was also adjusting my posture to reduce my discomfort. I did equate this to being punished, or her example to me of what I would experience physically and emotionally if she were to officially punish me. She did not explain why she wanted me to kneel and I did not feel a need to know. What is important is the experience and what I learn from it. I learned that kneeling is not comfortable and the only positive thing is that it makes Ms B happy to see me comply with her wishes.

Pony Play Part 1 : Basic Psychology

Aug 7, 2007 Pony Play Part 1 : Basic Psychology
Sunday night Ms B and a friend took me to explore a pony park. The next day I showed Ms B my pony boy play gear. Then today Ms B presented me with a new tail, Pony Boy hoofs and an animated walk. I think both Ms B and I will very much enjoy playing with this fascinating kink. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to me and these are my impressions. This type of role play allows me the freedom to behave and emote in a simple instinctive animalistic horse like perspective. The wild pony(feral?) is a far cry from the trained show pony so this level of pony development needs to be established before Role play begins. A trained pony is the highest social standing that a pet could be, yet the pony is innocent and does not realize its social stature. Thus the pony must be humble, natural, free from its human inhibitions and pride. The pony would not behave differently if it were to be naked and exposed in public or dressed up in flashy tack because the pony does not have a concept of self image. The Pony must learn to trust and accept the extreme trappings and controls in the hands of the trainer. A pony trainer would require a good measure of patients, self discipline and an astute eye to be a good judge of character. To become a trained pony is a highly submissive behavior and requires self discipline, humility, athletic endurance and a great desire to achieve the goals and aspirations of the trainer. I have many more ideas of what the Pony rituals might entail so I shall continue my discussion some time in the future.

Another dumb experiment gone wrong

Aug 6, 2007 Another dumb experiment gone wrong
8 days since I submitted control of my sexuality to Ms B at which point I was not permitted to play with myself. 12 days since my last climax and just yesterday I was granted permission to start playing again. I did not waist time getting started as I was alone in the afternoon, then again form 9 to 12 that night and again this morning from 10 to 1. My self confidence in control was high as I did amazingly well in avoiding a climax until 1 pm. That is when everything went horribly wrong. Sure I could toss out excuses like sleep deprivation and horniness makes me really dumb. It was that split second of time that I was just not thinking and I saw something that made me say, yeah, that has antibacterial properties, it must be safe to try. To make a long story short, let me just say that urethra play is not safe in the hands of the uneducated. As a result of my experiment not only did I loose complete control of the stimulus, but I climaxed without having permission. Then worse yet as the hour passed I discovered that I was having a reaction to the experiment and began to physically suffer as a result. I confessed my sins to Ms B at the first chance I got, but I do not think she understood all the details. I typed out some relevant information and gave it to her in a note card so she could read it in her free time. I did much worse 2 years ago when the doctor educated me and Ms B had warned me again not long ago. The part that bothers me the most is that I really made her upset and worry about me, just adding to her stress. The bottom line is, I knew better so I am submitting myself to Ms B for punishment and fully accepting the consequences.

Just trust in that Mistress knows best.

Aug 5, 2007 Just trust in that Mistress knows best.
I suppose I was in a cocky mood today as Ms B and I were chatting while working on our house. I made some smart ass comments that if we were in public she would not approve, but in private, I believe she could be grinning from ear to ear behind my back. Soon we settled into focusing full attention on the construction with short breaks for consultation. I took this opportunity to mentioned my serious issue with the tool belt. Ms B told me how to fix it but I was terrified to comply so I wasted 10 minutes searching for instructions and options to confirm her directions. Eventually I gave up and clicked the “ finished “ button just as Ms B had described earlier. Praise be to the Goddess, my tool belt was fixed and Ms B was none the wiser that I had doubted her. Returning to work for nearly an hour when suddenly Ms B called me a Brat. I concealed a smirk and shrugged it off because I had no idea she was being serious. She walked past and behind me when out of the corner of my eye I noticed she had armed herself with a crop. I scampered to the ground before her and knelt in panic and confusion. She told me to stand and turn around. The slap of leather against denim shuddered me forward with surprise as the crop landed on my bum cheek. My hand instinctively moved back but stopping in time as the crop began stroking the effected area. The soothing motions evolved into playful vibrating pats in a rhythmic beat, then stopping as Ms B questioned my thoughts. She asked if I had felt the need to defend myself with words to convince her to hold back her disciplinary intentions. I truthfully said no, that I was confused, clueless and only felt the need to kneel at her feet to express my submission. She seemed a little surprised at my answer as I secretly thought of her words from the past that she does not need to justify her actions to me. Just trust in that Mistress knows best.

Red, Yellow, Green, Go! BDSM Lists

Aug 4 2007 Red, Yellow, Green, Go! BDSM Lists
I discovered another interesting and extensive BDSM list of likes and dislikes. I love thinking about and choosing my interests from the list with the fantasy of Ms B discovering all the naughty things that interest me. Imagine how she would use this information for mutual entertainment. The annoying part about some lists is when it asks if I specifically “ like “ the mental or physical stimulus. Due to my lack of experiences I cannot place a value on something I do not know, but I want to express my interest in trying it. The only option to select is “ I am open to trying this activity “ and that option is only one step away from saying I don’t have an interest but I will submit. It is hard to describe but I don’t think it looks honest if I ignore the rating scale and select “ Yes, I love this. Give me more! “ For every item that turns me on. Anyways, this was just one example of a BDSM list. Each list has different ways of expressing your interests or experience. I am embarrassed to select some of the topics at all thus once again failing to let that one most important woman know what I am interested in. It is almost easier to present a Red light, yellow light list and note that everything else missing is a big Green light for GO! I prepared a small list like that last week, but I think I can add some details now that I have done more research.

A friend discovers my bad behaviour

August 3, 2007 A friend discovers my bad behaviour
Staying in the property of Ms B’s SL home I was playing with my inventory for a good part of the evening until one of my friends greeted me through Yahoo instant messenger. We started chatting and one thing lead to the next where I discussed the exciting events occurring in my life. To give my friend a better perspective I offered an explicit open look at my journal entries in my blog. My friend took a great deal of time and effort to read my entries and pointed out a number of significant issues that we discussed. The most significant issue was my passive aggressive comment about not wishing to discuss the details of my feeling regarding having a brother join our family. My friend pointed out that I had betrayed the intent of my journal by with holding my feelings and by testing to see if Ms B would call me out on this issue. Although it pains me greatly to both admit my failings and describe the feelings that I with held from Ms B, I shall start to make amends. I look down upon people and myself when I see the feelings of jealousy growing and festering. I should be mature enough to deal with my emotions but you can imagine how difficult it is for a person to share there loved one with a rival. Ms B and I had discussed the situation in advance and I agreed to accept and supported her decision despite my hidden reservations. I have seen how many Dom/me commonly collect a harem and as a submissive I feel I must accept any decision made by my Domme or choose to end the relationship if I cannot find peace of mind. I had thought that a third person in our family would reduce the time I get to spend with Ms B. Some people think that competition brings out the best in people, but in my experiences I have only seen the worst and this was one of the very reasons I quit racing. All this negativity is depressing so I look on the bright side and say that a brother would add a new and interesting dynamic to the family. I know that more males serving to please Ms B would entertain her greatly and seeing her happy will make me happy. So far I have not had to deal with any feelings regarding a third member added to our family but if some thing changes I must remember to express my feelings in the appropriate time and place. As for my two counts of misbehaviour, I willing submit myself to her for what ever punishment she sees fit.

Sub Chat meeting in Second life

August 2, 2007 Sub Chat meeting in Second life
The first topic requested for discussion at the Online sub chat meeting was the addition of voice chat in Second life. Many of the subs in attendance remarked that the SL voice enable would not change there communication routine. There intimate encounters in voice verses in text tend to have different qualities that do not combine together so easily. A scene in text has far greater detail and visualization qualities where as voice chat has the immediate auditory stimulus but in the actions to inspire such sounds it is very difficult to be texting. The conversation danced around the topic eventually confirming that in reality that many people use voice to prove to them selves the identity of the partners true sex or personality. Voice might not be a proof in all situations because there is software designed to alter the sound of your voice(Voice changers). Typical situation is a woman getting a better feel for who the man is and men getting to know for sure if they are speaking to a real life female. The discussion eventually became distracted and random so I requested a response from the attendance starting with this statement. I just recently ask a Domme to take me under consideration for her collar. I would like to here some thoughts of your experiences as a sub under consideration for collaring. Some people expressed that this was an exciting time for learning and growth for the sub and the relationship. The symbolism of this phase of the relationship is a sign to other Dom/me that the sub is committed to there present relationship much like an engagement ring.. The tone of conversation was very loose and the discussion quickly wandered randomly to musings of how SL software can make a mess of a collaring ceremony. Our host eventually offered a new topic with an inquiry of how we feel about Dom/me advertisements, presumably on the internet. This was not taken too seriously and question again quickly degenerated into musings of sad examples of poor public behavior and people lacking understanding or social etiquette. My mental capacity seemed lacking this evening as I did not feel engaged on the discussions. I promptly returned home at the conclusion of the sub meeting.

The unconditional relationship is our foundation

August 1, 2007 The unconditional relationship is our foundation
The moment that I submitted to Ms B I became dependant upon her to permit me to seek satisfaction for my wants and desires. My needs are met, why would I want to stress her out more by placing demands upon her? Perhaps this is where I came up with the idea of earning more from her. I thought that if I were to go above and beyond the call of duty that she might say to her self that perhaps my boy deserves to have his wants and desires met. I had failed to see that I cannot earn something that she has not expressed as needing to be earned. She tends to my needs and gives to me when it suits her needs, wants and desires. Just as it should be with your best friends, or the married couple, or the parent with a child, or putting up with the badly behaving pet, you have unconditional relationships. You give of your self without expecting something in return. The fact that you feel like contributing to the relationship is a sign that the relationship is healthy. Unconditional in the sense that while they might accidentally hurt you or let you down, that you still are open to them and do not lock the door behind. For example, I took initiative to create a painted wood surface for our front deck because I felt confident that I knew what Ms B was wanting to see. After she logged out for the day I searched my inventory and placed a few samples down but I could not find what we discussed. I wanted to succeed in my task and buy some decking but I could not leave the property by her very order. I could have attempted to impose upon people to help me achieve my goals but I feel that their time is more valuable then resolving my problem. Despite my sense of failure I was consoled in the knowledge that my relationship with Ms B is unconditional. She can have some fun in dealing with my failures but no matter how extraordinary our contribution, or pathetic our failures, it will not alter the foundation of our relationship.

My profile matched with a Domme

July 31, 2007 My profile matched with a Domme
In the process of updating my BDSM profile on Alt com I discovered a personality/fetish match with a Domme who happens to live in my home city. A male submissive does not have the luxury of being fussy so I read on. I cannot take this seriously because she is looking for a wide variety of people but this is what caught my attention. Her self proclaimed title being Lady S Spankhard does cause me to worry if it is a reflection upon her preference in something I have no real life experience. Secondly to judge someone for there age of 28 is not fair but I always have reservations about young people in such a delicate position of power. The heading she wrote to summarize her ideas was Creative Lady Domme Seeks Cleaning Slave. The first 5 words are positive pull but the last word “ Slave “ takes me back a step. Cleaning Slave suggests that there is forced repetitive manual labour without compensation, reward or positive motivation. I have to remind myself that this heading is intended to get the readers attention and that I cannot read deeply into it but instead enjoy it for the amusing images in my minds eye. To submit to a scene where the tools of BDSM are used to capture and force me into performing amusing tasks with an erotic tone is a significant turn on. All this musing is fun but with each thought, the very next thing that came to mind is how would Ms B react, what wisdom would she share with me in this regard. It was not until now that I wrote this paragraph that I felt guilty for thinking about the matching profile. Whether I am in the right or wrong full disclosure is my duty, reporting all my honest thoughts to Ms B and trust in that she will deal with me appropriately. My one and only action taken regarding this matching profile is having reported the situation to Ms B. I feel that in this way that I have handled myself, I show her that I am still fully committed to her and the verbal contracts we have made thus far. Further more I have not wavered in my desire to be her collared submissive accept for this annoying boundary of physical distance keeping us apart. Pondering. Worst case scenario, Ms B rents me out for cleaning duty when I need to focus on cleaning my own home. Laughs!

Under consideration results in Immediate changes

July 30, 2007 Under consideration results in Immediate changes
The moment that I had fully committed to Ms B she responded with approval and agreed to take me into her charge as a submissive under consideration of her collar. She immediately handed my Avatar a consideration collar and told me that I will only refer to her as Mistress until she tells me other wise. In wearing the consideration collar I am proving that I am committed to my agreement of our new relationship. She instructed me to revise my Avatars profile thus stating I am under her consideration and that if anyone is displease with me that they should contact her directly. She then set new boundaries to test my resolve for the next week. My Avatar shall remain within her land for 7 days and I will be expected to be online for the duration of my normal routine, real life permitting. She then began testing the functions of my collar, thus forcing my Avatar into animations that I had no control over. As the entertainment of her experimentation subsided and we focused our attention back to building the house my eyes frequently glanced back to the chain leash in her hand that attached to the collar locked upon my neck. I still have this blissful memory of the overwhelming sense of security and heightened feeling of attachment to Ms B. At the end of our time together Ms B added one significant rule for my commitment to her. In real life I am not allowed to play with myself until Ms B gives me permission. Before logging off she assigned me the task of writing a hard limit list that now has taken a massive amount of time to research and document.

I knelt to Ms B for consideration of her collar

July 29, 2007 I knelt to Ms B for consideration of her collar
Ending the previous night, Ms B pointed out that it was my responsibility to initiate the next phase of our relationship, stepping into the beginnings of the D/s lifestyle. I have always taken pride in the fact that I do not need anyone to feel a sense of contentment, so long as I am able to give of myself as other have given to me. I felt Ms B had already given me the love and attention that I needed and I did not feel like I had the right to ask for more. I did however feel a great desire to earn more from her. She has a great deal to offer me but she seemed to be teasing me much for her own entertainment as was mine. I felt it is time that I kneel to her and request her to consider me for collaring. Despite my total lack of knowledge of this phase of the D/s lifestyle. I did my best to compose a speech to express my feelings and request for her to take me into consideration. Ms B replied with several questions finally concluding with my agreement that as of this day I am officially handing total control of my mental, physical and emotional well being over to her. In doing so, over the long term, I shall be proving that I might be worthy to be her male submissive as loosely described in the D/s lifestyle. During our interaction I felt a sense of confident excitement and arousal from her questions. This sense of confidence tells me that I had taken enough time to consider the implications of my total submission to her and that I felt good about making this commitment.