July 28, 2007 7:30 pm House construction and family life.
For the past 27 hours I have focused my energy into building a house along side Ms B in Second life. Much of my intellectual energy is consumed in this project. I found it difficult to think of what to talk about. Fortunately this morning my mind set was tugged in a new direction when Ms B took me out shopping. I was so what dumb founded when our first stop was to look at the selection of Latex wear for men. Ms B asked me what color I liked and I responded that I felt black was a manly main stream but I could be convinced to wear some dark red. She promptly told me that if it were pink that I would be expected to wear it anyways. I was put back with the shock of the suggestion but I mused in agreement that I would wear what she told me too. Although we merely viewed the Latex and shopped at several stores the experience was exciting. It took me a while to calm myself down because my hyperactive mind was making me behave a little bit silly. How embarrassing since I pride myself in behaving cool and composed at all times. We ended our shopping trip with the purchase of several trendy outfits more fitting for public occasions. I have so much appreciation for Ms B for taking me shopping, helping me out and caring for me.
Later that evening one of Ms B’s friends came for a visit. Ms B had wanted to take this young adult male in to her Second Life family and had approached me this night to remind me of the possibilities of him becoming my brother. I figured he would add a greater source of entertainment for Ms B so in this light I must support her decision. I do not wish to dwell on the possible negative effects so I respectfully wish to ask for my privacy of thoughts in this matter. If Ms B requires my thoughts I will comply.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sub meeting reminds me to communicate
July 26, 2007 8:00 pm Sub meeting reminds me to communicate
Tonight’s topics started with safe words. I have no issues with using a safe word so I quietly listened. Soon after I introduced the topic of unresolved feelings and resentment. Everyone quickly responded with one basic word. Communication. Preferably when cooler heads prevail the pair must communicate until there is a mutual resolution over the unresolved feelings. This made perfect sense and I was baffled that it was not obvious to me before I asked the question. The next topic was multiple owners, followed by the issue of submitting to having the dominant mold and alter your personality. Finally we ended the hour with ideas of dealing with the stresses of submission and finding ways to expressing our selves when we feel we have no opportunity to voice it. In answer to the question I contributed the suggestion that a Journal helps in relieving stress and expressing one self. Speaking of which, I will take this moment to vent my frustration of my day at work. The Engineering and QC Lady that I work under has returned today from 3 week off and told me that she will be leaving my company for a new job. Once again I find myself in this same situation where I am the last person in the office other then the boss. Presently I am doing the drafting and reception duties. With this lady leaving I will be asked to do quality control as well. This situation has occurred twice in the past so I take it all in stride just gritting my teeth and bearing it until the boss finds new personnel.
Tonight’s topics started with safe words. I have no issues with using a safe word so I quietly listened. Soon after I introduced the topic of unresolved feelings and resentment. Everyone quickly responded with one basic word. Communication. Preferably when cooler heads prevail the pair must communicate until there is a mutual resolution over the unresolved feelings. This made perfect sense and I was baffled that it was not obvious to me before I asked the question. The next topic was multiple owners, followed by the issue of submitting to having the dominant mold and alter your personality. Finally we ended the hour with ideas of dealing with the stresses of submission and finding ways to expressing our selves when we feel we have no opportunity to voice it. In answer to the question I contributed the suggestion that a Journal helps in relieving stress and expressing one self. Speaking of which, I will take this moment to vent my frustration of my day at work. The Engineering and QC Lady that I work under has returned today from 3 week off and told me that she will be leaving my company for a new job. Once again I find myself in this same situation where I am the last person in the office other then the boss. Presently I am doing the drafting and reception duties. With this lady leaving I will be asked to do quality control as well. This situation has occurred twice in the past so I take it all in stride just gritting my teeth and bearing it until the boss finds new personnel.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Confirmation: My sexuality is still within my control.
July 25, 2007 7:30 am Confirmation that my sexuality is still within my control.
It pleases me so much to be able to chat with Ms B both in the evenings and in the mornings. This morning was an amusing situation for me because I woke early from an uncontrollable sensation of arousal. I had been abstaining from self pleasure with the intent to offer Ms B the power to control my sexuality. As the days go on I experience more and more moments where I am aroused and frustrated with my self imposed abstinence. It seems to me I get a little silly as I seek ways to distract my focus from my horny erections. This morning I experimented on a different erogenous zone with some peppermint lubricant but the end result only left me desiring more stimulation in both erogenous zones. If only I were not embarrassed to explain all the details to Ms B because I am sure she would have been very amused at my compounded frustration. In the end Ms B decided that due to her situation in RL that it was best that I have control over my sexuality as I see fit until Ms B tells me other wise. In light of this I plan to relieve my frustrations late tonight and I am very curious how Ms B will react when she learns of it.
It pleases me so much to be able to chat with Ms B both in the evenings and in the mornings. This morning was an amusing situation for me because I woke early from an uncontrollable sensation of arousal. I had been abstaining from self pleasure with the intent to offer Ms B the power to control my sexuality. As the days go on I experience more and more moments where I am aroused and frustrated with my self imposed abstinence. It seems to me I get a little silly as I seek ways to distract my focus from my horny erections. This morning I experimented on a different erogenous zone with some peppermint lubricant but the end result only left me desiring more stimulation in both erogenous zones. If only I were not embarrassed to explain all the details to Ms B because I am sure she would have been very amused at my compounded frustration. In the end Ms B decided that due to her situation in RL that it was best that I have control over my sexuality as I see fit until Ms B tells me other wise. In light of this I plan to relieve my frustrations late tonight and I am very curious how Ms B will react when she learns of it.
Dom meeting: Fetishist vs emotional Dominant
July 24 2007 7:00 pm Dom meeting: Fetishist vs emotional Dominant
The fetishist would be focused on there kinks for mental and physical satisfaction. The Emotional Dominant is focused more in relationship mental and emotional aspects of the D/s power exchange. For these two types of people to be able to function together each would need to consider incorporating the others focus into there life style. The fetishist must have the desire, trust and will power to submit themselves while knowing that someone else is controlling the degree of exposure they get to there fetish. Additionally the fetishist should also have a desire to engage in the emotional aspects of there D/s life style situation. The Emotional Dominant must take enough time to know if the potential sub is capable of fully embracing the emotional submissive aspects of a D/s relationship before making the commitment. The Emotional Dominant should recognize that they have a powerful tool to motivate there fetishist submissive and learning how best to used this tool. The objective is finding that balanced level for both Dom and sub that they can experience a mutual satisfaction within there personal focus.
The fetishist would be focused on there kinks for mental and physical satisfaction. The Emotional Dominant is focused more in relationship mental and emotional aspects of the D/s power exchange. For these two types of people to be able to function together each would need to consider incorporating the others focus into there life style. The fetishist must have the desire, trust and will power to submit themselves while knowing that someone else is controlling the degree of exposure they get to there fetish. Additionally the fetishist should also have a desire to engage in the emotional aspects of there D/s life style situation. The Emotional Dominant must take enough time to know if the potential sub is capable of fully embracing the emotional submissive aspects of a D/s relationship before making the commitment. The Emotional Dominant should recognize that they have a powerful tool to motivate there fetishist submissive and learning how best to used this tool. The objective is finding that balanced level for both Dom and sub that they can experience a mutual satisfaction within there personal focus.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Someone needs to be in control. Ladies first.
July 24, 2007 12:30 pm Someone needs to be in control. Ladies first.
Ms B suggested that I am the type of person who needs to feel that I have a sense of control. I thought to my self, I don’t need to be in control so long as I can see that I see my significant other has the situation in control. Knowing she has things under control allows me to relax and anticipate her needs that I might be able to please her. If she appears to not have control then I have a stress response. I then must communicate to her and determine how I can help. If I feel that the situation will corrode into chaos then I react and take control and fix the situation so that she might be able to recover and hopefully taking the control back. All my decisions are based on my trust or faith in her ability to control the situation to the level that I believe is required. So the question is, can I truly be a submissive male? I want to surrender, body, mind and soul to that one like minded woman who is capable of meeting my expectations of keeping everyday life in a reasonable level of balance. I am here to help out in any way she sees fit. Keeping everyday life in balance, is that too much to ask? I believe that everyone’s minimum expectation should be for a balanced and stable existence. I have many examples in my life where I surrender control to the person who seemingly needs it or has my confidence to handle the control appropriately. I do not feel the need to wield the control, but I need to see that someone is in control and doing well with it. So my long lonely walk is about loosing faith in finding that person that I can trust. My long lonely walk is also about my resistance to taking a risk. Taking risks is another serious subject that I have not tackled that continues to inhibit my determination to find a RL relationship.
Ms B suggested that I am the type of person who needs to feel that I have a sense of control. I thought to my self, I don’t need to be in control so long as I can see that I see my significant other has the situation in control. Knowing she has things under control allows me to relax and anticipate her needs that I might be able to please her. If she appears to not have control then I have a stress response. I then must communicate to her and determine how I can help. If I feel that the situation will corrode into chaos then I react and take control and fix the situation so that she might be able to recover and hopefully taking the control back. All my decisions are based on my trust or faith in her ability to control the situation to the level that I believe is required. So the question is, can I truly be a submissive male? I want to surrender, body, mind and soul to that one like minded woman who is capable of meeting my expectations of keeping everyday life in a reasonable level of balance. I am here to help out in any way she sees fit. Keeping everyday life in balance, is that too much to ask? I believe that everyone’s minimum expectation should be for a balanced and stable existence. I have many examples in my life where I surrender control to the person who seemingly needs it or has my confidence to handle the control appropriately. I do not feel the need to wield the control, but I need to see that someone is in control and doing well with it. So my long lonely walk is about loosing faith in finding that person that I can trust. My long lonely walk is also about my resistance to taking a risk. Taking risks is another serious subject that I have not tackled that continues to inhibit my determination to find a RL relationship.
Grounding effect. Placing this relationship into perspective.
July 24, 2007 8:00 am Grounding effect. Placing this relationship into perspective.
Ms B asked me if I would be willing to kneel before her in public. She was specifically asking Adrien my Avatar in Second life. I said yes, most definitely Yes. I added that I would do this in real life as well. As I internalized this commitment my stress responses sparked and I mentioned to Miss Beaumont that making this commitment was real to me in that I was physically shaking. I think Ms B sensed that I have been taking our relationship a little too seriously. We are building a life together within a simulated internet game world environment. Yes our feelings are real but we are forgetting the reality of our personal lives, having the potential to prevent us from moving to a real life arrangement. She admitted that she must struggle with this and it troubles her as much as it does me. I suppose I must be satisfied in the reality that our relationship in Second life is a learning experience to help me move forward in my Real life, what ever that my become. My goal remains that I am able to enrich her real life at least as much or more then she enriches mine.
Ms B asked me if I would be willing to kneel before her in public. She was specifically asking Adrien my Avatar in Second life. I said yes, most definitely Yes. I added that I would do this in real life as well. As I internalized this commitment my stress responses sparked and I mentioned to Miss Beaumont that making this commitment was real to me in that I was physically shaking. I think Ms B sensed that I have been taking our relationship a little too seriously. We are building a life together within a simulated internet game world environment. Yes our feelings are real but we are forgetting the reality of our personal lives, having the potential to prevent us from moving to a real life arrangement. She admitted that she must struggle with this and it troubles her as much as it does me. I suppose I must be satisfied in the reality that our relationship in Second life is a learning experience to help me move forward in my Real life, what ever that my become. My goal remains that I am able to enrich her real life at least as much or more then she enriches mine.
Ms B suddenly made our relationship feel very real.
July 23, 2007 8:00 am Ms B suddenly made our relationship feel very real.
This morning Ms B trusted me with something very precious. I would like to think her motivations were purely an instinctive bonding behavior because this dramatically increased my emotional attachment to her. I suppose it does not matter what her motivations were but the fact that it did move me deeply. At first I was stunned as my eyes caressed the image of the two attractive ladies in the picture. The picture seemed to be taken in a casual family environment as they were both well dressed and posing naturally as if in public. My eyes focused upon Ms B as I knew the color of her hair. This image of her seeming so youthful I remarked how this must be an older picture. Then realizing that I had better let her know how I like the picture I promptly expressed truthfully that I found these young ladies to be attractive in appearance. The pressure was still upon me as my time had been stretched beyond its limits. I had to firmly inform my intention to log off as I was late to leave for work As I drove to work, I recalled the image of her face again flashed in my minds eye. My heart was racing and I became very aroused as I thought of the fact that she wanted to share this with me. Wow, over and over again I could not get over my feelings of how real this made it feel. The intensity of emotions that she wants to share her private self with me and the level of trust she has in doing so.
This morning Ms B trusted me with something very precious. I would like to think her motivations were purely an instinctive bonding behavior because this dramatically increased my emotional attachment to her. I suppose it does not matter what her motivations were but the fact that it did move me deeply. At first I was stunned as my eyes caressed the image of the two attractive ladies in the picture. The picture seemed to be taken in a casual family environment as they were both well dressed and posing naturally as if in public. My eyes focused upon Ms B as I knew the color of her hair. This image of her seeming so youthful I remarked how this must be an older picture. Then realizing that I had better let her know how I like the picture I promptly expressed truthfully that I found these young ladies to be attractive in appearance. The pressure was still upon me as my time had been stretched beyond its limits. I had to firmly inform my intention to log off as I was late to leave for work As I drove to work, I recalled the image of her face again flashed in my minds eye. My heart was racing and I became very aroused as I thought of the fact that she wanted to share this with me. Wow, over and over again I could not get over my feelings of how real this made it feel. The intensity of emotions that she wants to share her private self with me and the level of trust she has in doing so.
Think: She has the power over me
July 21, 2007 5:30 pm Think: She has the power over me
Ms B was asking me questions about my daily arousal and I mentioned that I have voluntarily abstained for her. This was in my control to do for her. She Told me that the next time I was horny or aroused that I must think of the fact that I have handed the power to Ms B. That someone other then myself hold this power.
Our conversation moved on to a new topic and yes I agree with her that I am not a natural submissive or my submission is not natural. My submission is consciously and deliberately given with the desire to mutually enjoy this fantastic type of relationship with that one special lady whom I can trust my every thought with. My submission requires great amount of trust and this is something grown and earned through experience with her. My Avatar has nothing of value to loose, but in Real life I am submitting and trusting her with everything that makes me who I am. If I were to do this today, I would be acting upon blind faith and that is a far cry from trust. So this is where my irrational fears surface from. Irrational in that I fear giving up everything to then wake up one day to find myself used and abused. I would imagine that I will know the difference because we will develop a foundation for me to use as a bench mark of comparison. I like to think of this foundation basis includes the feeling of love and caring. Although you must admit these two words still lack the detail of definition between two people who have not developed these bonds through time of experiences.
Ms B was asking me questions about my daily arousal and I mentioned that I have voluntarily abstained for her. This was in my control to do for her. She Told me that the next time I was horny or aroused that I must think of the fact that I have handed the power to Ms B. That someone other then myself hold this power.
Our conversation moved on to a new topic and yes I agree with her that I am not a natural submissive or my submission is not natural. My submission is consciously and deliberately given with the desire to mutually enjoy this fantastic type of relationship with that one special lady whom I can trust my every thought with. My submission requires great amount of trust and this is something grown and earned through experience with her. My Avatar has nothing of value to loose, but in Real life I am submitting and trusting her with everything that makes me who I am. If I were to do this today, I would be acting upon blind faith and that is a far cry from trust. So this is where my irrational fears surface from. Irrational in that I fear giving up everything to then wake up one day to find myself used and abused. I would imagine that I will know the difference because we will develop a foundation for me to use as a bench mark of comparison. I like to think of this foundation basis includes the feeling of love and caring. Although you must admit these two words still lack the detail of definition between two people who have not developed these bonds through time of experiences.
Trust her to handle your Failures
July 21, 2007 8:58 pm Trust her to handle your Failures
I want so much to be that perfect submissive that it pains me to think that I will fail over and over again. Some how I must release my fear and trust in that her choices in dealing with me are for my own good and just as likely for her entertainment. Yes I am aroused at this thought right now that when I choose to submit to her authority and endure the mental and physical challenges that she will be taking great pleasure in my submission or so I would hope.
My second fear is that I do not take failure well as I might have more pride then humility. I get serious, with my patented annoyed expression or perhaps a defensive tone. How horrible it is for Ms B to see me like this. I want to be happy with a positive attitude and I need to see her happy or again I might feel like a failure. I cannot imagine going through all these challenges in growing into a D/s relationship, with so much trust and effort … while knowing the whole time that there is no guarantee that our relationship will grow for the long term. Ms B reminds me that our relationship is not long term when she says that she has got to find the right lady for me. But I can take great pride in having met a friend who gives of her self as much as I wish to give her in return. I feel naive saying that I can be her ideal submissive for the long term, because I know there are many challenges to overcome and maybe some realities we cannot overcome.
I want so much to be that perfect submissive that it pains me to think that I will fail over and over again. Some how I must release my fear and trust in that her choices in dealing with me are for my own good and just as likely for her entertainment. Yes I am aroused at this thought right now that when I choose to submit to her authority and endure the mental and physical challenges that she will be taking great pleasure in my submission or so I would hope.
My second fear is that I do not take failure well as I might have more pride then humility. I get serious, with my patented annoyed expression or perhaps a defensive tone. How horrible it is for Ms B to see me like this. I want to be happy with a positive attitude and I need to see her happy or again I might feel like a failure. I cannot imagine going through all these challenges in growing into a D/s relationship, with so much trust and effort … while knowing the whole time that there is no guarantee that our relationship will grow for the long term. Ms B reminds me that our relationship is not long term when she says that she has got to find the right lady for me. But I can take great pride in having met a friend who gives of her self as much as I wish to give her in return. I feel naive saying that I can be her ideal submissive for the long term, because I know there are many challenges to overcome and maybe some realities we cannot overcome.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
One of her tools for mutual entertainment.
July 19, 2007 8:00 pm Sub meeting and my punishment epiphany
Still sitting naked on the couch with rumbling tummy, I ported my Avatar to sub chat in the Forum of Second Life Software. Reading the real time discussion caused me to start thinking of the helplessness of D/s submission. I thought to my self: You are going to let me make innocent mistakes and then punish me at which point I would take offence that I do not deserve punishment. I believe one of my greatest challenges will be when I am punished for something that I do not understand. Something that I feel is unwarranted and that I have words to say in my defence but I am not given the space to debate my case. I do not think there is any point in punishing someone who does not understand why and is not openly accepting the consequences. A reasonable balance for the punishment to fit the crime is another issue for the sub, or so I thought. Perhaps I missed the power perspective. In fact it is much of the appeal for the dominant to play with the sub in this way. Perhaps I should free my mind from the confines of fairness and live for the experience and trust that the dominant is working her magic with the tools of her trade.
Still sitting naked on the couch with rumbling tummy, I ported my Avatar to sub chat in the Forum of Second Life Software. Reading the real time discussion caused me to start thinking of the helplessness of D/s submission. I thought to my self: You are going to let me make innocent mistakes and then punish me at which point I would take offence that I do not deserve punishment. I believe one of my greatest challenges will be when I am punished for something that I do not understand. Something that I feel is unwarranted and that I have words to say in my defence but I am not given the space to debate my case. I do not think there is any point in punishing someone who does not understand why and is not openly accepting the consequences. A reasonable balance for the punishment to fit the crime is another issue for the sub, or so I thought. Perhaps I missed the power perspective. In fact it is much of the appeal for the dominant to play with the sub in this way. Perhaps I should free my mind from the confines of fairness and live for the experience and trust that the dominant is working her magic with the tools of her trade.
Letting go of my long past relationship angers
July 19, 2007 6:00 pm Letting go of my long past relationship angers
Ms B voiced with me discussing some of my past experiences where she discovered I expressed some agitation of the past relationships in my life. She attempted to disarm my intensity and told me to remove my shirt. At first I was confuse since I was not sure if she meant Adrien, my character in second life or my self IRL. She bluntly stated that anything she tells me to do on voice was real life so I happily removed my shirt without any thought. My next thought was simple bliss feeling how much cooler I felt considering my house was so hot. We moved forward discussing my distant past where I was still expressing agitation so she promptly told me to remove my pants. Again I did not hesitate and happily sat on my couch in underwear and socks while we chatted. Not long after she told me remove my underwear and again I promptly did so, feeling safe, alone in the privacy of my home. I had released my frustration over my past and became less agitated but Ms B had to go unexpectedly, thus leaving me naked without instructions and a glimmer of hope she might be back later. I struggled for an hour wondering how to get to the kitchen and feed my hunger without showing off to the neighbourhood. Despite my predicament I felt a huge weight lifted from my mind after having someone hear my frustration and releasing my pain from the distant past.
Ms B voiced with me discussing some of my past experiences where she discovered I expressed some agitation of the past relationships in my life. She attempted to disarm my intensity and told me to remove my shirt. At first I was confuse since I was not sure if she meant Adrien, my character in second life or my self IRL. She bluntly stated that anything she tells me to do on voice was real life so I happily removed my shirt without any thought. My next thought was simple bliss feeling how much cooler I felt considering my house was so hot. We moved forward discussing my distant past where I was still expressing agitation so she promptly told me to remove my pants. Again I did not hesitate and happily sat on my couch in underwear and socks while we chatted. Not long after she told me remove my underwear and again I promptly did so, feeling safe, alone in the privacy of my home. I had released my frustration over my past and became less agitated but Ms B had to go unexpectedly, thus leaving me naked without instructions and a glimmer of hope she might be back later. I struggled for an hour wondering how to get to the kitchen and feed my hunger without showing off to the neighbourhood. Despite my predicament I felt a huge weight lifted from my mind after having someone hear my frustration and releasing my pain from the distant past.
This feels like the right path.
Perhaps I have been walking a long lonely road. Perhaps I did not see it as such because I have been independent for the majority of my adult life. My first realization that I had male submissive inclinations as described to me in the D/s life style was in the winter of 2004. The past 2 ½ years I have experimented and explored with my fetishes in private or over the internet with much entertainment and pleasure. It is easy for me to indulge in most of the physical aspects of BDSM as an individual who is in complete control. What is missing in my life is to be able to hand over this control to someone I can trust with my mental and physical well being. I recently met an amazing mature and experienced woman who has offered me the opportunity to explore the D/s lifestyle in a long distance relationship where I can willingly submit myself, body, mind and soul to her complete control. Due to the circumstances of our present lives we both agreed that we cannot treat our potential relationship as if we will become a real life couple. How ever we have embarked upon the journey of creating a D/s relationship through the second life software. Further more I have committed to submitting myself in a real life capacity as best we can simulate so long as I remain single, living 2000 miles away, here in Calgary.
My first goal is to return to her all the rewards that I can possibly give of myself within the confines of our virtual life together. I hope to learn from her how my personality might be shaped to suit, serve, please and submit to a dominant woman who shares my interests in BDSM. With any luck she will better prepare me to meet that one special lady that I could share the rest of my life with.
Sincerely,
Adrien Weeks.
My first goal is to return to her all the rewards that I can possibly give of myself within the confines of our virtual life together. I hope to learn from her how my personality might be shaped to suit, serve, please and submit to a dominant woman who shares my interests in BDSM. With any luck she will better prepare me to meet that one special lady that I could share the rest of my life with.
Sincerely,
Adrien Weeks.
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