Wanting to say yes but it came out no. I remember the thought crossing my mind, Ms B lives 2000 miles away and she has no way to ensure that I do what she says. I was aware that I could deceive her and tell her that yes I will never wear a hat again. To me it was far more important to be honest and say no, I was not willing to follow that order. She relies on my honesty and if I fail to be honest, then the foundation of our relationship falls apart. I do not think she expects a submissive to answer yes and willingly accept every order she commands without question like programming a computer. After all, what fun would that be? Not that I am condoning defiance for the sake of entertainment but I think there is a level of entertainment and satisfaction for her to see me struggle and grow into a better person through my learning from the situation.
There are some things that I cannot hide. My voice gives me away. What do you do when you owe someone an apology but you are not feeling totally sincere? I know they are expecting me to recognize my failure but I am clouded with excuses. Trying to express an elaborate apology in this situation usually does not come across as sounding sincere and attempting to fool them would be dishonest. Telling someone that I understand their feelings but disagree with the details will not give then the resolution of a sincere apology. Perhaps my only recourse is to beg for forgiveness of my stubborn pride, well, at least I own Ms B that much.
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