Shouting the Dojo Agenda

I still struggle on a daily basis, thinking that this appointment to the Dojo is just not my thing. I have not yet taken an opportunity to share the Dojo Agenda with anyone not already a member. I feel relieved to find an excuse when distracted with other activities that would prevent me from taking a walk to the city center to meet with the general public. Whether it is OOC or Role play I simple do not like drawing attention to myself. In an attempt to fulfill my obligations I am contemplating an alternate solution by posting an announcement in the shout channel as follows.

Pardon this interruption for a PR guild announcement. I would like to take this moment to offer my time in answering questions you might have regarding the Tennen Rishin Ryu Takemi Dojo. The Dojo invites all Character classes, races and genders equally within its member ranks. The Dojo is a place for learning, socializing, role play, group hunting and developing combat skills.

The Dojo inherited its flavor from the Japanese culture but has been adapted to fit into the society created by the PR Council. Members are expected to respect the Bushido Code while learning to apply its Virtues to everyday life in Lenn Amar. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me via Tells or check the forum under guilds.

Another week in Heroshi's life

The new leader of the Dojo, Ando was chatting with Lord Cougar and Periwinkle. Ando feels positive about preparing a proposal to make a request on behalf of the players of the server that would also be well utilized by the Dojo. He asked for the game world designers to create some new areas with some atmosphere for a DM to create a story line or adventure. The areas should be void of monsters and special effects so that it would not be contributing to lag. This is all well and good if you have captured the enthusiasm of a DM willing to dedicate time to this end but from my observations recently, there are no DMs with such time and dedication who would be up for the challenge. Ando mentioned both Xeno and Periwinkle, but my optimism is lacking as of late. In fact my optimism has been lacking in regards to a few more situations within the game server over the past week. I still have not found a comfort zone with Heroshi being in public attempting to promote the Dojo agenda. Secondly when asked if I was interested in participating in a private group session to discipline our submissive I felt very uncomfortable with the idea. And lastly this troubled girl returned to the server and reminded me how uncomfortable I felt with her way of sharing the negative details of situations she fell into. I get the idea that she is subtly looking for someone to rescue her from the mess she finds herself in. So far I managed to dodge that pitfall by reasoning with her like a father knows best attitude and a condescending tone. Anyways, within all this rambling I frequently wish to disappear into the wood work to avoid these situations but being visible is one expectation for my position in the Dojo.

Stepping Up to the Challenge

Having been voted into second leadership position of the Takemi Dojo is a mixed blessing. This enables me some control as to whom can assume power of the Dojo’s leadership in the sense that only two official positions are approved by council. Obviously it becomes my responsibility to fulfill the obligations of the position even though such obligations are not defined in writing. What ever these obligations might be I take my position very seriously and as a result I cause myself a heightened level of stress that I am not accustom to. Further more I have become aware that my role is that of a public relations representative. The idea of mingling with the public and approaching people in hopes to recruit members and advance the agenda of the Dojo is uncomfortable for me. I am much more comfortable being a listener and guiding those seeking direction instead of taking control of the topic or subject manner. I am hoping that I find a happy middle ground and adapt to this new role.

Drama Among Guild Leaders?

Having waited until last night before taking my first action, I spoke to Lord Cougar regarding the Takemi Dojo and Syclya resigning. It was a surprise to him because my mention of this topic was the first word he had heard. He asked me for details but I felt it was best that he read the information that had already been posted on the forum. Later, as a result he ask me to make time for a formal meeting and then he directed me to the Forum for more details. Much to my surprise I discovered two more new issues that I believe are not coincidental with Syclya’s departure. The leader of the free crafters association had posted her tentative leave of absence from Phoenix Rising and her guild so that she might consider whether she might want to leave permanently. Then I discovered that Lord Cougar had just accepted the resignation of the leader of the Dominants guild. Following that, Lord Cougar posted a comment under the Dojo Meeting, and I quote “We're going to talk about why Ice(Syclya) felt she had to leave and I'm going to want some specific info.” Judging by his comment I believe that Cougar does not know why three different guild leaders have each left Phoenix Rising in the past 3 days, but I would guess that each situation is closely related. I dare say that we have more questions, then we have answers.

As the World Turns.

Sometimes you feel like you are watching a soap opera when you get involved in role play online. Approximately 3 months ago the Council of Phoenix Rising had appointed Syclya as new leader to the Dojo and Thalia as second. I remain at their side as quiet counsel as they deal with the public and political aspects of every day management of our guild. Syclya had confided in me with her personal feelings and frustrations over the past three months. The pressure seemed to have been coming from several angles and on a few occasions she has expressed her desire to step down. Last week during the Dojo meeting the warning signs had become openly visible when she asked for the members to pledge for her to stay or step down. Last night she broad caste a public shout declaring her departure from Phoenix Rising, despite the full support of the Dojo members in the meeting the week before. I spoke to Thalia and she confirmed that she was able to carry the burden while we awaited Phoenix Rising council to accept Syclya’s resignation and convene to discuss the future of the Dojo. Now I stop to consider my course of action because every time this situation rises I am called upon to declare what role I shall play in the future of the Dojo.

Observation of Behavior at Work

Over the years I have quietly watched the way my boss treats people when they are working for him and coming to ask questions. Now that the bosses daughter is working with us I am surprised to see the she does not know how to handle him. She is subjected to the same treatment and I can sense her frustration. She came in my office today and broached the subject, thus confirming my suspicion. Why can’t he trust that what she has to say is important? After all she is about to spend his money and we all know that he will have a lot to say about it when he sees the bill. Oddly enough, several minutes later she mentioned to me in passing that he had something urgent to finish but neither of us knew exactly what it was. It actually sounded like she was trying to make excuses for him. I have seen him behave this way in the past with many employees and on a daily basis with his family members. I sometimes think that his ultimate message is that you need to present things that are high priority. I would think that if you can consistently demonstrate to him that when you have something to say, that he can trust that it is important. That he trusts you to be brief and to the point. I would think he could mitigate the problem but he has never been able to express it in words like this. Perhaps it is pointless to try to change the behaviour of an adult who does not want to change.

11th Hour, 11th Day, 11th Month

Every year on November 11, Canadians pause in a silent moment of remembrance for the men and women who have served, and continue to serve our country during times of war, conflict and peace. We honour those who fought for Canada in the First World War (1914-1918), the Second World War (1939-1945), and the Korean War (1950-1953), as well as those who have served since then. More than 1,500,000 Canadians have served our country in this way, and more than 100,000 have died. They gave their lives and their futures so that we may live in peace.

By remembering their service and their sacrifice, we recognize the tradition of freedom these men and women fought to preserve. They believed that their actions in the present would make a significant difference for the future, but it is up to us to ensure that their dream of peace is realized. On Remembrance Day, we acknowledge the courage and sacrifice of those who served their country and acknowledge our responsibility to work for the peace they fought hard to achieve.

The above taken from Veterans Affairs Canada web site.


In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

1915 John McCrae (1872-1918)

November 11, Canadian Remembrance day

November 11, Canadian Remembrance day has significant meaning to me due to the heroic efforts of the men and woman who served this country in the second world war. During the second world war both my parents were living as children in Holland during the German occupation. Both my parents had similar memories as the Canadian army fought against German occupiers to regain freedom for the country of Holland. Several years after the war my fathers family immigrated to Canada and soon after my father joined the Canadian army. My father severed with the Canadian army for 9 years. During this time my parents were married and they had two children. My father choose to leave the military to be with family and soon I was the third child born. Had things been different during world war 2, this chain of events might not have occurred and thus I would not be here today to speak of it. Could I be so bold as to point out that all the military based actions of Canadian History has helped structure the country that I live in today. For all these actions of history, I must pause and give my respect to the people in the world who have served there country for the betterment of world society.

Overtime at Work.

Business has been slow for the past four months but suddenly a significant announcement from the government has coincided with a recent load of new work. Some of these new projects are on tight delivery dates and there is a delay on providing digital drawings. Construction has been proceeding with the use of sketch when necessary. Last night before I went home the boss asked me to start new revisions on a set of house plans, first thing in the morning despite the need for official jobs. I have been working on this large set of drawings, off and on for 19 months and they have nothing to do with the equipment that we manufacture in our shop. In fact these drawings are for the boss as he took up the torch for his son to coordinate the design and construction of his house. The foundation has been poured and a contractor has been lined up to begin roughing in the basement windows and structural walls. We worked on it all day and into the night because the contractor needs the drawing ready first thing in the morning. After we completed the work my boss called up the contractor who needed the drawing and discovered that the contractor has post pone the work until next week. Thus ends the sum of a frustrating and intensely long day, all for nothing. Well, maybe not for nothing since we have this drawing ready. This was one drawing of the set so I would not be surprised if we replay this day with the next drawing, some time in the future.

Shaving my Pubic Hair.

As per MsB’s request I finally picked up the clippers and began shaving my genital hair. I began by cutting my hair short with scissors in an attempt to reduce the work load on my electric shaver. Upon experimented with my beard trimmer the blade nicked and scratched my skin. I was sure there was a better tool for this length of hair so I chose to stop at the drug store and found a trimmer that provides a small amount of distance from the cutter blades. It has an attachment much like a comb but I was still cautious fearing that the soft crinkly skin of my scrotum could still get nipped in the blades. Stretching out my skin provided some improved safety but was still tedious and a slow process. Next I used my shaver for the final process but much to my surprise this was the easiest step. The electric shaver could not cut the longer hairs so after about an hour of shaving I gave up with the intention to finish up another time. Stroking the surface of my skin I feel what I called the porcupine effect. Those longer hairs that the shaver missed are sharp or pointy. The skin of my scrotum feels moist, cool and clammy. All in all the experience was somewhat unremarkable. Perhaps the stress from using cutting tools around my genitals had prevented my arousal during the experience. Aesthetically, it is an odd looking transition from the body hair on my tummy and legs to that of my genitals.

A Waist of Good Intentions.

I spent a great deal of time and effort trying to prevent issues from resulting with the interpretation of information that my friend had posted in a public forum. Perhaps it was presumptuous for me to think I knew better and for me to recommend revisions to the text that my friend had posted. I thought it was justified when my friend claimed to have agreed with me and claimed to have made revisions but upon reading the posting later I discovered that there were no changes. I broached the subject and felt confident to take it upon myself to add a post and clarify what we had agreed upon. Later, one of these very issues came up for interpretation but my friend was not available to make a judgement or clarification. Instead a higher authority stepped in and made a judgement that was contrary to my posting and that in my opinion was unfair to the person who was in question. The time has passed for any of this to be relevant and yet I still feel annoyed that I appeared to be the ignorant one. Is it my strong sense of pride that keeps nagging at me when no one else seems to have noticed the situation? The only conflict that remains is the one inside me and I am having a hard time letting go, but sadly that is what I think I need to do.

Inhibitions, Embarrassment and Humiliation

I am having a hard time expressing myself to MsB in regard to defining the acceptable different between Embarrassment and Humiliation. She strongly emphasizes that Humiliation is not her kink but she does delight in making me blush or stutter over my inhibitions or minor embarrassments. We have both shared public role play with collar and leash, kneeling and clothing control as one fun and positive example. I think we both very much enjoy this aspect of D/s play even though it can include mild elements of emotional and mental embarrassment or humiliation. This is a good example where we need to define the word humiliation only because I have invoked the word in this example, rightly or wrongly. I am inhibited by this confusion to express some of my kinks because I would be tempted to describe some kinks as being embarrassing or humiliating. I would like to find a word that will differentiate between fun/playful humiliation that can be shared with her in private, and negative or public humiliation that we both would reject. I suppose it is wrong for me to hide this issue for so long thus letting it effect my ability to talk openly about some of my kinks that I define as being potentially humiliating yet something that I wish I could explore with her.

The B-day Gift of Patients

When I think about birthdays, the first thing I think about is sharing my time with family. Simply visiting my Mom and Dad, chatting over dinner, relaxing in there company would be satisfying enough for me. Some people feel the need to share their day with as many friends and family as possible. For example my friends had had birthdays coming up and they decided to share the occasion with a large group outing at a tavern with over 20 invited guests. MsB has a birthday coming up and I can imagine her day being different yet more focused around her family. In reading my journal I hope MsB will see that I understand how birthdays are filled with unexpected events where time must be patiently divided among numerous people who are important in your life. In fact I would imagine that if we do find time to share together on her birthday, we will be chatting about many of the interesting events of the day, with the occasional phone call filled with warm birthday wishes. I will prepare a few tokens of my esteem but it will not be a time dependant thing so that she can move about the day without feeling any obligation towards me. We can celebrate her Birthday when we both find free time to do so, even if we have to wait a day or two. I am happy to be flexible in this way. I like to think that this is one of the ways that I practice submission to her, in that she knows I am patient and not demanding but I still cherish all the time and attention she rewards me with.

A New Role Play Scenario

Ms B and I have established three different scenarios where we practice, experiment or apply the principles of various D/s relationships. In one of these scenarios Ms B is role playing a character who was raised in a society where females are superior by birth right thus males are controlled using any means necessary. Typically the birth mother hands the new born male over to one of her daughters or sisters to be raised. Socializing a male child to be compliant to all females is begun immediately and various levels of discipline is applied for the slightest failure. Those males who do not measure up to the expectations of the females, will find themselves in hopeless situations, assuming they survive the testing and trials of life at all. Males with some measure of potential will still feel the fear of a wrathful female but will also be manipulated in varying extremes by competing females for his loyalty. My character is not from her society but still he is expected to submit to her will without question or hesitation. My character would have been considered chattel, property or a slave labour, accept for the fact that she had discovered he has a few valuable properties worth controlling and exploiting. After some manipulation, experimentation and divine intervention, she has altered my character into a compliant tool. His actions are not motivated through desire to make her happy but instead knowing that if she is satisfied with him then she will reward him in ways that no other person can. Failing to satisfy her will have unpleasant consequences. His existence has been bound to her through unholy means so that even though it is humiliating to be lead by her leash, he must protect her with his life.

A Merit Based Society.

When my friend went back to her home country to visit friends and family she felt awkward about telling or showing them the extent of her massing of wealth or assets over the past 5 years by working and living here. My friend described her feeling how some people pretended to praise her for the hard work and good fortunes, but seemed somehow disingenuous. She sensed various levels of dishonesty, patronizing, sarcasm, and jealousy. She concluded how she felt that she could never go back to live in her home land now that she has adapted to the drastically different life style here in north America. This is where I jumped in to point out how hard she had to work to achieve all the rewards she has and how delicate of a balance it is to maintain our above average lifestyle. I reminded her that the people in her home land could not imagine what it was like to adapt to this country or how self reliant and independent we north Americans tend to be in comparison. Those who live beyond their means will quickly find them selves wanting or falling behind. Foreigners might think this is a land where the money grows on the trees, where they feel a sense of entitlement to be supported by a socialistic government. I reminded her how north American style capitalism will only reward you based on effort, perseverance, risk and personal merit of your actions. Generally you get what you earn and you earn what you are worth. The north American celebrity phenomena is the least realistic frame of reference and simply does not represent the people of our nations. Basically, you can make your our own destiny and you have no one but your self to blame for not realizing your goals.

One Week Turn Around – Heroshi Part 7

Last week Molli-Chan had displeased Heroshi by acting out with a dramatic public display of childishness. It was necessary to leash her and correct the inappropriate behavior right on the spot. Additionally I had counted out loud for each act that deserved punishing which eventually ended at eight before we both realized that perhaps there was another direction to move. After getting her home I formalized a short list of rules and etiquette for behavior and I proposed that she had the next week to prove to me that she will comply. I told her if she displeased me during the week that the eight punishments would be added to what ever punishment she earned in this week. I then told her how I wanted to see her succeed and travel with me as my companion through my everyday activities, growing together and sharing life in our D/s relationship. As a reward for pleasing me through the week I told her that I would rescind the punishments. She seemed agreeable to this proposal so I began testing her compliance and much to my surprise and delight she was feeling … erum ... how to say it? Amorous? Anyways, now that most of her time is up, I am beginning to plan my next move. I think I should test to see how far she is willing to submit. At the same time I do not want to make the challenge too absurd that she thinks I am a nut case who will not let her succeed. Finding some middle ground is the challenge that I have not resolved for as of yet. I find myself nervously impatient with myself to find solutions and new BDSM related activities for Molli-Chan. On the contrary, MsB seems to be relaxed and infinitely patient with her dominance over me. I wonder if she feels the same way as I do yet hides it from me, or she truly is at peace.

To Be or Not to Be.

The challenge of training my somewhat unwilling slave Molli-Chan has given me a greater appreciation for what MsB might go through as my Mistress in our D/s Relationship. I feel the heavy mental weight of my self imposed serious attitude in dealing with her behaviors, correcting her mistakes, planning ahead, teaching her rules, and being ever vigilant in watching to see if she strays from my path. It can be a challenging struggle to keep control of both her and myself as she tests the boundaries that I impose upon her. The life of the submissive seemed to feel a little more relaxed. Perhaps I should spend more time thinking about Mistress needs, wants and desires, but I know that I cannot presume I understand what they are unless she specifically told me. Generally I think being submissive affords me a less stressful role of reactive, rather then proactive or imposing the action. Simply following orders instead of planning and dictating the orders. The role of the dominant seems to be more mentally fatiguing at the same time as both roles can be emotionally and physically fatiguing. The reward of being dominant is seeing your submissive grow, adapt and succeed. The dominant has control to reward themselves, where as the submissive is more dependant upon the Dominant rewarding them. This discussion raises a question. Do I prefer to have the control and the stress of greater responsibility, or do I prefer to relinquish control so as to ease my burden? Shouldn’t there be a middle ground?

Satisfaction of Verbal Control - Heroshi Part 6

Molli-Chan is still annoyed with the situation that Hero has place her in. She recognizes that he has control over her within the town in the broad sense. She feels her personal training in combat skills cannot yet match Hero’s skill but the hope of surpassing his skill keeps her motivated. She is putting up with his demands and expectations although taking every opportunity to test the limits. When she tests my resolve I feel justified in subjecting her to various punishments that are intended to teach her what I expect from her in the future. One general topic that most punishments tend to exercise can be described in the words pride, humility and inhibitions. Another topic that needs to be reinforce is that she is expected to be in servitude to me so she must recognize that Heroshi’s needs, wants and desires come first above her wants and desires. To this end I had placed a device upon her leaving her in a perpetual state of arousal. To prevent her from reaching satisfaction I then locked a chastity belt on her and left her alone to simmer in her juices. Returning to her in 45 minutes she was very receptive and eager to follow my orders without much hesitation. In the conclusion we both experienced a pleasurable release and I was very satisfied that she behaved in the very way I had envisioned. Personally I found the entire situation extremely arousing and I think the feeling of having her comply to my verbal commands had greatly added to my emotional satisfaction.

Ms B and Heroshi Part 5

Heroshi has taken advantage of his student, Molli-Chan in her moment of weakness and taken her virginity thus reducing the viability for her arranged marriage. She was very upset but Hero reassured her that his intention was to make her his “First”. Molli mistakenly interoperated this to mean she would become Hero’s first wife and surprised Hero when she mentioned this to people in public for the first time. Hero subtly took action and manipulated her into entering his dungeon cell where he promptly locked her in. Tricking Molli-Chan into Heroshi’s dungeon cell made me feel a sense of control that when she learns that Hero has enslaved her she cannot escape or cause him some embarrassment with the towns folk. He wants time to settle her down and guide her into accepting her fate. After leaving her alone to think about what has happen to her, Hero returned to find that she destroyed the stocks and shredded the ropes in her dungeon cell. Ignoring the fact, Hero placed a platter of food and goblets of drink within her reach and suggested that she eat. With a hint of attitude she replied that she did not feel like eating. Hero corrected her reply by calmly saying to her. “No Molli-Chan, that is unacceptable, the correct response would be: Master, I beg your forgiveness, I cannot eat for I am not well.“ She looked at me in silence and disbelief as I took away her meal and consumed it within visual range of her. Finally, without another word, leaving her alone to think of what had just happened. A short time later she called out to me “Please Master, I do not want to be left in this cage” A smile crossed my lips as I heard a sign that she has mentally taken the first big step toward submission.

Anxiety Over Birthday Wishes

Birthdays: Every kid looks forward to their birthday. As we mature we start looking out side of the selfish child attitude and seek to make your loved ones happy for their birthday. I have grown so detached to my birth day that I discourage friends from taking interest in my birthday. Through my experiences with Ms B I have learned that in my attempt to discourage them I might be depriving them of something … a chance to give of themselves to me. This deprives them of feeling good about them selves when they see that they have met or exceeded my expectations for my birthday. Using the word expectation is a cold way to describe this social exchange and emotional behaviours on a birthday. Unfortunately this is what I seek to do when I think about someone’s birthday. I try to think of what their expectations might be and then seek to achieve or exceed them. Some birthdays have greater value then others, for example my father will be turning 70 and this is a special occasion. Perhaps it is special only for the idea that society has programmed us to think that this would be a mile stone. Like becoming of teen age, or sweet 16 or 20 or 25 or anything divisible in 5. Anyways … the big question is how do I settle my anxiety about meeting peoples birthday expectations without taking the emotions out of it.

More Work Related Drama

I am thankful that I don’t have a BDSM related subject that I need to talk about because my mind is lightly distracted with work related issues. The city bylaw enforcement officer came with the city fire inspector to pay my boss another unexpected visit this past Thursday. Once again the boss was agitated with the surprise especially considering he was ready to leave for a meeting with a customer. I was in my office far down the hall but I could hear the raised voices and a chill crossed my skin. The bosses daughter was with them taking notes so later I was filled in with the details. Apparently the city bylaw enforcement officer had been provoked enough to suggest that he had the authority to revoke our business licence and shut us down. This is a bold statement and it leads to many questions. Can we be shut down immediately? Who has the burden of proof? Does the bad attitude expressed from my boss give the officer the right to revoke our business licence? What are the realistic expectation for compliance? Why did they insist on forcible action without offering all the present options for a reasonable compromise? I can understand why I heard the raised voices with three egos bashing heads in a power tripping contest. This is just one extra stress added to the pile for my week to follow. The boss will be leaving for holidays and we do not have an office manager on staff any more. I will be filling in for my boss and the office manager as best I can.

Ms B and Heroshi Part 4

Hero’s student has now informed him of her motivation to return home, entering in the arranged marriage and full fill the expectations of her family. I want to lead her down the garden path to discover her own desire to explore what Heroshi Takemi can offer. Her stubborn insistence to follow the programming of her family is a hurdle that I am not sure I can leap with logical debate or subterfuge. If I can move her with a romantic and sensual path taking her in the heat of passion then Hero can establish a stronger emotional bond and reduce her viability as wife in the arranged marriage. I did not want to see her bolt but am expecting her to takes drastic steps away from Hero’s path. I will have to force my hand and impose my will upon her in a physical way. This will cause a gap, pushing her away, as she realizes that Hero is enslaving her. Taking away her ability to fulfill the future as dictated by her family will bring her a feeling of shame and this she will blame Hero, rightfully so. The ability for her to recover and seek happiness with Hero will depend on the emotional ties that are established before she looses her family honor. Once she has been enslaved she will have to make a life decision weather to resist her enslavement and suffer the consequences or to embrace the situation and enjoy the rewards of submission. Perhaps time and nurturing can heal all the wounds.

Observations of Mental Discipline

I wish to expand on my recent experience learning about one aspect of D/s having to do with the submissive developing greater discipline. In our everyday lives we seem to be running though the day with limited time to stop or relax and unwind. Our minds seem to be constantly moving at that same accelerated pace. I want to compare this idea of mental activity to your first cup of coffee in the morning. I never drink coffee or use stimulants so I am only taking a wild guess but I had a friend describe that first cup of coffee as if a light switch was turned on in the brain. The awareness of the amount of mental activity is what I discovered over the past few weeks as I had been stopping for ten minutes of kneeling and focusing my mental thoughts on Ms B. Speaking to Ms B about my daily kneeling she pointed out the simplicity of my task and I suddenly became embarrassed when I realized how challenging it was for me to complete this simple task. I was amazed how difficult it was to control my mind from wandering off my focus. Not only the obvious distraction like noises, physical responses, or pets determined to get attention, but even the moments without distractions still required great effort to do this one seemingly simple task of focusing on Ms B. I don’t feel so bad anymore now that I have developed a mental routine to help focus my mind on the task and I forgave myself for being so undisciplined in the beginning. One of the lessons I wish emphasize for everyday life is that you can accomplish anything so long as you find and apply the tools of success.

Sub Chat: Expressing the Word Love

Sept 20 Sub Chat at the Forum

The single submissive feeling more like a dominant until they find themselves in a safe situation that brings out their submissive behaviors. This feeling of the submissive saying they move more like a dominant can be explained in the sense that as a single person you are responsible for your self, needing to be assertive while controlling your own life path. The topic seemed to naturally flow towards one of the goals of the single submissive, searching for and finding an appropriate Dominant. This was the point in conversation where my attention span had run out since I had felt it was repetitive from the past.

The final and most interesting topic was regarding the expression of the word love in the D/s relationship. In all relationships the word love means different things to different people and this seems to be the same in the D/s lifestyle. For some people in the D/s lifestyle their experiences of connection and mental bonding to their partner is significantly more powerful then traditional relationships. The expression of love is still a personal manifestation and varies for each individual. Most of the subs present in the sub chat expressed their preferences in different ways. Some people are very guarded with expressing the words I love you and simply cannot qualify while they believe they have not fully realized it. For other people speaking such words require the most of intense emotions and they place great significance on the meaning of the word love. Some people are comfortable saying the words “I love you” in a wide variety of situations. The complexity of value is expanded further when you hear someone uttering the words I love the way you make me feel or I love my pet fish. Some people are turned off when other people inappropriately over use the word love thus cheapening the meaning. You could imagine with the amount of detail that I tend to analyze a topic I will again have various different definitions for the word love and express it differently in a variety of situations. To me the most important way to express love is the way that best suits your partner. Knowing your partner well enough to verbally express your love or physically express your love through your actions when your partner needs to feel it.

Training and Correcting my Failures

Over the past 12 days I have been following a new order from Ms B. Each day before I turn on the computer in hopes to spend time with Ms B I must kneel with a specific body posture and focus my mind on her power over me. I experienced many different mental and physical sensation during these experiences and one sensation motivated me to add a stimulus to the normal procedure. I had made these additions in the past two days and then last night I discussed several details with Ms B. She pointed out to me that in adding to her instructions I had changed the intentions of the task. She gently set me back into my place thus correcting the situation and gave me writing assignment that I completed as follows.

This letter is written in the hopes that I have come to a higher understanding that within my D/s relationship, I have surrendered all my power and given you full control over my actions. I understand that you have taken appropriate action by correcting my failure to comply with the structure of my submissive station. I must learn to follow your directions to the letter and I must stop reading into your words. I feel I must apologize for my arrogance in presuming that I know what your intentions are. I must walk the path that you lay out for me and not stray beyond those boundaries. I must remember that each order and direction are specifically designed with a purpose and significant reason. I understand that when I deviate from your path I am loosing the intent of your lesson thus circumventing your power and control over me. Further more I must apologize for my actions in taking liberties without having expressed permission. In closing I wish to reaffirm my intent to meet your expectation as you hold me for consideration to become your collared submissive. I reaffirm that I have surrendered power of my self to you and accept your training, testing and control over my body, mind and soul to what ever ends you see fit.

Venting Issues from RL Work

This has nothing to do with my D/s lifestyle but I will take this opportunity to vent. At work yesterday I became the middle man playing peace maker between my boss and the firefighter who came to do a shop safety inspection. The boss had a heated debate in the hall way with the firefighter before the inspection began. The Firefighter was angered by the negative attitude from my boss so the inspector came to me and announced that he was leaving and reporting to the higher authority. I heard the last words from the boss, inviting the fireman to do his inspection, so I offered to take the Inspector on a tour. I gave him a set of safety glasses and the map I created for these types of safety inspections. The Firefighter accepted my offer and we proceeded through the shop as expected. About half way through, my boss once again intercepted the Firefighter and they exchanged more heated words. The Firefighter came to me and informed me that this attitude was unacceptable and he will be leaving to report our resistance to the higher authority.

This morning I had a new visitor from the City Fire Department Inspection Division. Once again I took the Inspector out on the same tour while my boss occupied his time in the office. The end result was predictable and easily accommodated accept for one new issue. The new flammable painting mandate recently implemented for all manufacturing facilities will now include our shop. He told me that he will be making a return visit next week with a city order to prohibit our painting process. When I brought this information to my boss, his face turned red and he demanded to call to speak to the city fire inspector. It took his daughter and myself much effort to explain the situation and settle his anger but eventually we gave him the inspectors phone number. The Inspector returned later in the afternoon to issue us an order of the safety codes act to cease all flammable painting operations. I inquired why he returned a week early and the inspector replied because your boss conducted the phone call with belligerence and my superior instructed me to issue the order immediately. The good news is that the boss is investigating the implementation of a fire safe painting procedure even though it is only 10% of our manufacturing operation. Based on my conversation with the boss I believe we should still have a job for a while to come.

Ms B and Heroshi Part 3

Walking through the town of Lenn Amar, Heroshi was stopped by Lady Jade. She gave him two robes as payment for a previous transaction. Jade inquired how much it would cost for Hero to make a new bastard sword and a short sword both with the greatest of properties. During the conversation his newest student (Ms B) came to visit and each of the three exchanged pleasantries. The sweetness of the conversation had an air of sarcasm followed by the implication that Hero’s new student was related by family ties. He was perplexed with the situation, resisting the urge to correct the words exchanged by the two woman. In reality I had a voice in my ear encouraging me to react in ways that would contradict my personality. Hero’s personality and my own have many things in common. I try to justify my behavior and Hero’s behavior by applying some of the ideas invoked by the Bushido code. The voice in my ear suggested that Jade was not treating me with the respect that I deserve as a Dominant when she referred to me with cute names. REI - Polite Courtesy: Be respectful for I do not need to prove my strength. Heroshi believes that Jade had no intentions to make me appear lesser of my station or status. I felt it would be impolite to publicly correct her and if I had done so the public perception would be that I am establishing my Dominance. The voice in my ear then suggested that I should punish Jade by charging her double the price for my crafts but this would conflict with Hero’s understanding of GI –Honesty: Be acutely honest throughout my dealings with all people. The entire situation was amusing and I attempted to emote for Hero in ways that were intended to support the amusing mood and sarcasm being expressed by the two ladies. Heroshi does not have the luxury of hearing Ms B’s voice in his mind so the way he reacts to his student should be restricted to the actual words and emotes that she posts in game. Now that the actual words of her posts are lost to the server reset I will have to pick at the implied ideas in my memory and consider a new lesson for Hero’s student.

Ms B and Heroshi Part 2

Heroshi Takemi has invested some of his free time to make his mystery guest (Ms B) feel more comfortable in the City of Lenn Amar. He took a visit to the Jewel of the city clothier and picked up some outfits for her with accents reminiscent of their common heritage. They took a walk through the city but lost focus to a tense discussion regarding Heroshi’s family and some of the military conquest of his brother. In efforts to defuse the intensity of the topic Heroshi lead the young Asian woman to Paradise Gardens and the druid grove within. He opened up to her with some private details of his life and encouraged her to share the truth of her past. She attempted to take advantage of the moment while Hero had seemingly lowered the icy barriers that held back his emotional attachment. Her subtle and sensual actions suggested that she was offering her self to him but he refused to reciprocate and softly suggested that she share her secrets before he would consider letting her in. She confessed her fears and expressed her need to find a safe place in the care of the only person she felt she could trust. She sought his knowledge to teach her the skills of survival in these foreign lands sighting the fact that she had no skills in physical defense. Heroshi expressed his desire to help her find a path and agreed to be her Sensei. He lead his new student to the clothier and handed her two bags of holding filled with the most protective magical items found in the lands, many of witch he made himself. After the final fitting of her new enchanted leather armor they walked to the docks and took the sailing ship to Pirates Cove. The north side of the island was home to an unfortunate farmer with a spreading case of mad cow disease. This is where Heroshi taught his new student how to fight and defend herself with the quarter staff. After putting down all the mad cows and killer chickens they returned to the sailing ship for the voyage back to Lenn Amar. The swells on the sea were treacherous and sickening so Heroshi closed his eyes and rested on the bunk in the cabin until waking to the nuzzle of an adult panther. Hero’s eyes grew wide but the only fear he knew was that for his missing student. Scolding the panther only sparked a horrific transformation as the naughty pussy sprouted dragon wings and leaped into the air as a Red Wyrmling. The baby dragon puffed a cloud of smoke in a haughty expression of annoyance. Fearing the smell of burnt hair, Hero quickly took his helmet and strapped it to his head. The Wyrmling landed in the center of the cabin and began another horrific change. Hero’s body relaxed as the form of a beautiful Asian woman stood in place where the dragon had just landed. Hero remarked with a scolding tone, I knew you were holding back a secret. His new student bounced gleefully and replied with a cheery tone “Surprise!” Hero’s helmet turned slowly from side to side as a soft chuckle of relief sounded from the mouth slit in his scowling mask.

Sexuality and Begging for Permission

The Dominant has taken responsibility to ensure all my needs are met. The submissives mind should be thinking that the Dominant’s needs, wants and desires come first. My wants and desire are secondary and at some appropriate time it would be my responsibility to express them. I would imagine the proper protocol to express my wants and desires would be to show respect and demonstrate how she has power over me by begging for permission. Although we have discussed this concept in passing I do not have a frame of reference or an example to follow. In the few situation where I felt I had to make an attempt to beg for forgiveness or beg for permission I felt I was sounding insincere and goofy as I fumbled with words. Over the past two months there have been few situations that had required me to seek permission. The majority of my wants and desires are still in my control and my responsibility to attend to. I have lived independent and self sufficient for the majority of my adult life and I took pride in the fact that I did not need to request the participation of another. Now focusing in on my sexual behavior again I took pride in the fact that I did not need to be the sexual aggressor and that I took care of myself as the want and desires grew. My way of expressing my wants and desires to my lovers were typically subtle, non verbal actions such as touching, hugging, kissing or suggestively verbal responses to conversations with sexual undertones. I would be watching my lover to detect signs that she is receptive or aroused and intensify my actions if her reactions were positive. Typically this inspired my lover into initiating the act of love making and that was the emotional ego stroke that has always brought me great pleasure. In the situation where I could not inspire my lover into action I sympathized with her feeling and both physically consoled her and reassured her that I was not disappointed. I do not recall begging or expressing my desire to make love in forceful actions. In my relationship with Ms B I presently have control of my sexual satisfaction during the time we are apart. I typically choose a day of the week when it is least likely that we can interact sexually and so once or twice a week I satisfy my sexual appetite. Having my sexual appetite well under control and satisfied means that I do not experience many days with a burning desire to relieve myself. An important part of asking for anything from the dominant is the honesty and sincerity on the part of the sub. I feel it would be the same requirement when begging for sexual activities and since I do not have many burning desires I have not found a moment where all pieces of the puzzle were in play. In fact most of the time I do not expect to engage in any sexually charged activities. The limitations of a long distance relationship and the real life time constraints are simply too great and it is better to not charge my self only to leave myself feeling disappointed or worse. So I deal with this by eliminating expectations and open my mind to go with the flow.

Filling the void over long distance.

Over the past few days I have been working on a statement for the benefit of the members of the Takemi Dojo in the Neverwinter Nights public game server, Phoenix Rising. I received approval from significant parties involved and then posted it into the general discussion category of the Phoenix Rising Forum message board. The next day I discovered a response that was contrary to the intent of the statement but I held myself back from responding in haste. I re-read all the information several times and finally revised my posting to emphasize the intent of the statement and counter point, without appearing to be confrontational.

Ms B has been an important motivational inspiration and a resource of ideas to guide many of the steps I have taken in recent weeks. I have also experience a greater satisfaction with the amount of training and exposure of BDSM related activities and D/s relationship behaviors. Some of these experience are conveyed in Second life Game with Adrien where I have no inhibitions and I welcome Ms B to test our personal boundaries. We also voice over IP where my physical and mental boundaries are far more sensitive. Typically I do not hold much formality in voice and so far Ms B has tolerated the randomness of my behaviors. I speak my thoughts more openly and I feel comfortable taking risks when sharing good natured humor. I am more emotionally sensitive and expressive witch can work for me or get me into trouble. I recall an idea that suggested this type long distance relationship forces both individuals to focus on emotional aspects within short bursts of time. This limitation of connectivity creates a void that needs to be filled, perhaps like an addiction and does not seem to be satisfied. People tend to fill the void with an illusionary life with there partner, constructed idealistically with our imaginations. My question is, am I living vicariously in the perfect illusion of my mind and would I be in such bliss if I were to experience the true reality of the complete D/s lifestyle?

Are you sure it is all about her?

Last night Ms B and I shared another stimulating conversation.... Get your mind out of the gutter. It was purely intellectual. Well, mostly. Anyways, she clarified my misunderstanding of the dramatic event that she has planned for some unknown time in the future. She helped me finalize my statement for the Takemi Dojo on the official position regarding BDSM and slavery. Among several other topics, she had also graced me with a compliment. I forget the exact words that she used but it was something to the effect that she was pleased with my progress in my role as submissive in our relationship. I was happy to receive her praise but I could not imagine the ways that I might have improved. On the contrary, I remember two times in recent memory where I felt depressed that I had disappointed her, denying her the power of control and satisfaction in our relationship. If I were to exclude these two situation, generally I respond to her with honest and natural reactions. If the majority of my natural behavior is pleasing and reflect her expectation of a submissive male, then I say that is a wonderful thing. I simply cannot see how my behavior has changed. Instead I think most of my behavior was always a part of me but it might require Ms B to create specific circumstances to present the opportunity for me to express it. Additionally it takes someone to be paying attention with the knowledge and ability to recognize my behavior for what it is. Perhaps it is just me who cannot see her subtle manipulations that slowly and stealth fully alter my behavior to conform to her desires. Yes, it is suppose to be all about her, and if she is happy, I am too. … Oh my god … where did that come from?

Voicing my Resolve for her Collar

Last night Ms B reminded me that we are focused on a D/s relationship and the present course will eventually lead us to a dramatic and unpleasant climax. Imagining that this event would be designed to test my resolve in a moment of time where I would experience the worst that I could be subjected to once I commit my submission to her. During this event, she might require me to make a decision to kneel for her collar, or walk away. Will I give the same answer over voice compared to if we were face to face in real life? If I beg for her collar in voice and she tests my resolve, does that hold as much weight as testing my resolve in real life situation? If I persevere and she chooses to collar me in voice, I would imagine that the contract we make would be just as valid and binding if we were to meet in person in the future. So how do I make a confident and informed decision if I do not have real life, face to face experiences to base my decision upon? Ms B tells me that she is the same person in real life as the person I have come to know in cyber space. Based on the voice conversations I have with her, I believe that I can confidently take a leap of faith and base my decision on my impression of her so far. When the day comes and she tests my resolve to submit for her collar, I believe that the sum total of my emotional attachment and positive experiences will far out weigh the short term discomfort of her test.

The Takemi Dojo stand on Slavery

An issue has been brought to my attention that has effected me and the members of all ranks in the Takemi Dojo. In the past, this issue was dealt with privately so I had no insight as to what extent it had effected the other members. This day was different in that our elected leader took a public action to appease those who would speak out against us. This action has troubled me but I was not armed with the knowledge to defend our position. I had discussed my problem with Ms B and she helped arm me with the ideas and words to make a stand. The following is my first draft of a public statement that I will be sending to the host of the server where this issue has risen. I have already received the blessing of the two highest ranking members of the Takemi Dojo.
The Samurai are a part of the social order of their society, thus follow the laws and orders as dictated by the Shogun, or in our case, Lord Cougar. They are bound to uphold justice for the benefit of society by the Code of Bushido, The Seven Virtues of the Samurai. The Takemi Dojo exists only because the council granted us this privilege, so long as we conform to the laws of the society that the council has created in Lenn Amar. The Code of Bushido does not give us a higher or lower standard then that of the society we live in. The laws and standards of Lenn Amar as dictated by the Council of Pheonix Rising is the bench mark set for the members of the Takemi Dojo and all citizens to make judgement for what is right and wrong.
The Council of Pheonix Rising has decreed that it is legal and justified in the city Lenn Amar to collar and own another person in the form of consensual slavery. This act of consensual slavery must be granted directly from Lord Cougar or Periwinkle in order to gain authentication. This is one of the social orders that the members of the Takemi Dojo must accept and defend in our efforts to set an example of what is right and wrong, lawful and just in the city of Lenn Amar.

Sept 4 Hats off to Ms B

Looking at the trees this morning I noticed the green leaves were starting to change to yellow. The smell of fall was in the air. I dismissed this as a subtle hint that this was a day for change. The owner of the company that I work for told me his daughter was due to make her first appearance in effort to put the office back in working order. This was welcome news since we have been missing staff in three different departments for a long time now and we have not had any success recruiting new personnel. As you could imagine my work days fly by quickly in these circumstances and I had not spent much time thinking about the appointment I had made for the evening. My emotions were relatively calm as I came home to shower and then driving to my sisters house to make my appointment. The lady hair stylist seemed to be more concerned that I was emotionally prepared for this change then I was. I was tired of thinking about this move during last week and I had no second thoughts at all before, during or after the anticlimactic moment of cutting my 10 inch pony tail. She then cut, snipped, buzzed and fussed about my head for nearly 45 minutes, ending with a picture taking ceremony. I am pleased that I have a low maintenance cut and I was confident enough to leave my hats off for good. I am satisfied with my front profile but I the side and back profile of my head seems less appealing to me in my opinion. That being said I think it is an improvement over the hat and pony tail. I owe this ground breaking occasion to the motivation and support that Ms B has provided because although I had wanted this for a long time, I had no reason to do it.

Expolring a new role. Sept 3

Ms B and I are experimenting with some new roles in our exploration of the D/s lifestyle. Well perhaps it would be new for her but in my case I am role-playing with an established character with a colorful history going back almost three years. To set the stage for the most recent development in his life I would imagine that he was summoned by a messenger to the front gate of the city of Lenn Amar. Once arriving there, a young lady dressed in simple clothing had noticed my presence and commented how my appearance was familiar to her. She suggested she knew my brother and then made a bold statement. I perceived there were deceptions in her explanation of her relationship with my family and I felt it necessary to get to the bottom of this mystery. I suggested that she would not be safe unless she trusted me enough to take refuge on my property. Once she accepted my offer I lead her to the Dojo and began contemplating a plan to get to the bottom of this mystery woman. First I must send message to my brothers and get some idea of what is going on. Mean while I shall treat her as a guest while assessing the degree of threat she might represent to my little empire in the oasis.

Defiance and Sincere Apologies

Wanting to say yes but it came out no. I remember the thought crossing my mind, Ms B lives 2000 miles away and she has no way to ensure that I do what she says. I was aware that I could deceive her and tell her that yes I will never wear a hat again. To me it was far more important to be honest and say no, I was not willing to follow that order. She relies on my honesty and if I fail to be honest, then the foundation of our relationship falls apart. I do not think she expects a submissive to answer yes and willingly accept every order she commands without question like programming a computer. After all, what fun would that be? Not that I am condoning defiance for the sake of entertainment but I think there is a level of entertainment and satisfaction for her to see me struggle and grow into a better person through my learning from the situation.

There are some things that I cannot hide. My voice gives me away. What do you do when you owe someone an apology but you are not feeling totally sincere? I know they are expecting me to recognize my failure but I am clouded with excuses. Trying to express an elaborate apology in this situation usually does not come across as sounding sincere and attempting to fool them would be dishonest. Telling someone that I understand their feelings but disagree with the details will not give then the resolution of a sincere apology. Perhaps my only recourse is to beg for forgiveness of my stubborn pride, well, at least I own Ms B that much.

Solutions for the Follicle Challenge

My search for a hair dresser has become overwhelming to the point where I want to just be done with it for better or worse. My search started in the Yellow pages of the phone books where I found one salon boasting of there recognition of skills in a western living publication. Next I found a salon boasting of there work with public figures in the local entertainment and journalist industry. Then I found a salon who specializes in thinning and balding conditions while offering cosmetic reconstruction. The idea of natural re-growth is more appealing so I investigated the Laser light rejuvenation therapy. Noticeable results in 14 to 30 weeks will not resolve my short term dilemma so I spoke to a few people asking for advice and the consensus seems to be that I will not be able to rid myself of my hat hiding baldness issues. Whether I shave it all off, or leave it long, it is my self image that will cause my discomfort. Even if I get an amazing cut and style I will still need to overcome my mental insecurities. Speaking with my sister last night, she suggested that I let her hair stylist do the deed this coming Tuesday. I agreed that I should commit to this appointment more so based on the fact that all this indecision was pushing me further away from the goal. As much as it scares me I am trying to hold on to the idea “ Just Do It “ and deal with the consequences after the fact.

Sub Chat: Slave Auctions

My usual Thursday night routine includes a visit to the forum where I can sit in on the sub chat discussion. Although I was more focused on chatting with Ms B in voice I did notice one topic that seems to always conflict in my mind. Many times in the past I had heard subs express there desire to be sold in auctions. They speak in such a passionate and romanticized tone that even I can get washed away in the fantasy. The idea of a few Domme out bidding each other to claim me as a prize and cherished pet is powerfully appealing. A sub can romanticize and fantasize over this all they want but in reality the dominant does not look at such a purchase with such rose colored glasses. I have heard more stories that ended in horror then have ended in bliss. Letting yourself be bought and sold is the journey into slavery where you have no rights and no control over who shall own you or how you will be treated. A dominant does not buy a slave thinking that this is a compatible specimen to be coddled or nurtured but instead the dominant will force the subject to conform to function in a specific purpose whether the slave likes it or not. Granted for some slaves this situation is their kink but I would caution all subs that this idea should remain as a fantasy. Perhaps a reasonable compromise would be in a charity auction where the sale of a slave is controlled within a firm and binding contract with a reasonable period of time. Perhaps someone can role-play out a sold into slavery fantasy over the internet via Second life or Neverwinter Nights game software. In general I feel that subs are vulnerable to a situation where they can easily find themselves submitting to slavery only to be taken advantage of.

Nurturing the Hair Brain

Aug 28, 2007. I woke up early this morning to spend time with Ms B before the start of my first full work day without my hat. I felt mentally lethargic and hazy as we chatted about the blog I had posted the night earlier. Ms B then said to me “You may wear your hat today. I cancel last night’s order. I'm doing this because I don't like the emotional effect the order has on you and I do it happily and am not disappointed in the least.” I suddenly felt pathetic, in that my lesser behavior last night and this morning had influenced her decision. Ms B reassured me of her understanding and concern while pointing out that I was not ready for this challenge. She vowed to move forward in a manageable pace and ordered me to research the local hair styling salons in preparation for a new cut and style. This significantly raise my spirits as I felt enthusiastic about this idea despite the guilt I still held for letting my vulnerabilities surface so dramatically. Society seems to portray men as being tough and in control of them selves until the point where they snap and deal with there situation in some physical expression of energy. I left the house that night without my hat saying to myself, take it like a man and deal with it head on. No one would have ever known how I really felt about the situation, not even Ms B, if it were not for this blog/journal. Had I never written and submitted my thoughts then I would have denied Ms B of her function, her role and her purpose as the dominant of our relationship. She said it best in these final words to me that morning. “You didn't (drag me down) and this is apart of the job love. It is what makes me feel like a woman.” If I were to hold on to the strong silent type persona and pretend that I could deal with any challenge I would be denying us both one of the most cherished qualities that men and woman share in there emotional intimacy. In a word, “nurturing” is the way we help each other to grow and bond together in a loving relationship.

A Hair Raising Dilemma.

This morning I shaved and trimmed my facial hair in a significant way for the first time in more than a month. When I got home I took 40 digital pics of myself in as I adjusted my hair and clothing, looking for a picture that pleased my minds eye. The results were disappointing mainly because I am still not happy with my hair. I expressed my dissatisfaction with Ms B and mentioned that I felt a sense of security by hiding under a hat when I go out in public. Ms B then took control and forbid me from wearing a hat ever again unless the circumstances were extreme enough to warrant it. I was amused at the notion and had a hard time taking this demand seriously. As I began to fear that she was serious I thought there is no way I would be able to make this promise and keep it so I dug in and responded negatively. She reminded me of my pact of submission as I sought ways to deflect or stall the conversation. She suggested that a week would not be so bad and I hypothetically agree with her not realizing that she would take it as an official agreement. I have no guarantee that after a week I would be free to wear my hats again, but worse yet I later realized that the worst part will be the first few days. She asked me to consider: How did it feel to dig my heals into the sand? I felt a sense of desperation to pull my hat out of the fire without risking the loss of my status as submissive under consideration for Ms B’s collar. I felt I could listen to her tone and seek a distraction or compromise until she put her foot down. No I do not want to remove my hat in public at this time of the evolution of my appearance. Ms B wants to take away the thing that shields me from the public of my most significant hang-up and she is not giving me any time to prepare myself. I can see myself spending 30 minutes in the bathroom tomorrow fussing with my hair to make it look reasonable in my minds eye. It’s probably going to be a waist of my time since I do not have any hair care products to control my hair and allow any pleasing shapes. I would imagine the best I can do tomorrow morning is to pull it all back tight and tie it much like the photo that both her and I dislike. Going out in public with this image in my minds eye will be humiliating experience and it will start right now. I need to feed my friends cat tonight so I will be back soon. … As it turned out I followed Ms B’s order and took a picture of myself before going out and when I returned. I stopped off at the drug store along the way and bought some hair spray thinking this will help in the morning. As I entered the store I had thought of a strategy to help me deal with my humiliation. Normally I watch peoples eyes and reactions, but this time I purposely avoided eye contact so that I would not know if they were looking at me. I thought “Ignorance is bliss” but I still feel lesser of a man having stooped to this level. I am not a happy camper now that I am exhausted, seeing it is way past my bed time as I finish this entry.

My Public Profile: First Draft

Several days ago Ms B and I had been discussing my public profiles and she had given me an assignment . In approximately 100 worlds, describe myself and what I am looking for in a woman. The following is my first draft:

Growing up in a loving happy family, having adopted many of the positive traits of the role models in my life, I see myself as a well rounded individual. I am patient, attentive listener, eager to contribute, mild mannered gentlemen, polite, respectful of others feelings, thoughtful, considerate, gentle with humour and open to expressing my feelings. Focusing on my goal my independent nature helped created a comfortable lifestyle that I now want to share equally with a mature affectionate woman. Much more then companionship, a relationship growing from friendship into a strong bond of emotional intimacy. A healthy lifestyle with time to enjoy the highs and supporting in the lows, sharing our interests and experiences in positive and creative ways.

Sub Chat: Internet dumping grounds.

Tonight I went to the Second life forum and listened in to the Sub chat regarding relationships and the power of emotions in internet role-play. Too many complaints of dishonest or transient avatars disregarding the real feelings of others over the internet. In fact the ability to own multiple logs and avatars enables people to develop a throw away culture of handling relationships in SL. Even I have experienced this culture first hand May of last year, in my first experience in Second Life. A lady friend I had known from a different game had invited me to join her in SL so that we might have our avatars build a virtual life together. She seemed to take on the role of dominant female and so I followed her lead and moved more like a submissive switch. She had collard me in less then a week but it did not feel strange to me since we had known each other as friends for more then a year. She was working in SL as a manager of a dance club and this occupied at least 16 hours of every day. I have a career in real life so I would devote my free time, about 4 hour to log in and spend time with her at the SL dance club. Spending the majority of our time at the club I began to developed ways to interact with her so that she could function as manager and yet I could still entertain her. Less then a month passed and I was content with my role, even feeling safe as she had asked me to buy a kinky toy the day before. I came home that night to tell her of my adventure getting the toy only to find her in distress. She led me away from the club and told me that she did not deserve to own me and she felt it was best that she set me free. I was shocked and stunned with disbelief. I took the hint and stepped back to let her have some space only to discover a day later that she was engaged to be married in a week to the owner of the dance club. What I learned from this experience was that even while I was blind sided, I am tough enough to handle an emotional tragedy as this had been.

Ms B settles my emotional distress

You know, I find it strange how life can always surprise you. I had always felt like I was the one in control of my feelings, speaking out to my partner to help them deal with there emotional distress. Today I had felt a significant amount of emotional distress and I needed to express it in efforts to relieve the pressure. I had two projects on the go that were needing my full attention and quick completion so I was not able to take the time to write out and process my feelings. I had to bottle it up and force myself to focus on the jobs at hand until I made it home this evening. Ms B had logged in just in time to talk it through with me and she was able to settle my distress. She helped me find a center of balance and eased my feelings in a way that has taken much of the weight off my shoulders. This is what I had thought I had done for other people who came to me with there problems and I find it interesting to see this in action from the opposite point of view. My only concern is that I think she must deal with similar feelings as I do but who is there in her life to release her from these emotional pains and burdens? Worse yet, what if I am contributing to her emotional burden and not providing an outlet for her own emotional stability. I am not knowledgeable with my role as submissive to be confident to answer my questions so I defer to rule number one. Trust in that Mistress knows best.

The human art form, personal appearance.

My activity in the past few days has not inspired me to write in my journal. I had been focussed on work and renovating my front porch and back deck, spending time with friends and family. Ms B and I spent some quality time playing a new game and the topic of BDSM had been some what distant in my mind. It was my desire to fill my writing with relevant thoughts regarding my D/s experiences but today I feel it is necessary to discuss some thing relevant to everyday life. I sat back to analyze my choices for posting images in three public internet profiles and I felt that these photos represented my appearance today and the past two years in an honest and truthful light. Yes I agree that I have been holding on to a rough looking persona that simply does not reflect the desires of the average female in today’s society. I have many silly excuses among some odd philosophical explanations for my behaviour. I could write a book on myself but I think it is best I do not waist your time with explanation. In fact I have been slowly moving in a new direction in life and changing my appearance will be one of the next things that I will be focusing upon. I was very pleased to share the topic with Ms B tonight and receive several constructive suggestions. Despite what I believe the average woman to be looking for in the appearance of a man, I am more motivated to adopt to the personal preferences of Ms B. I suppose in the end I will blend her ideas with my comfort levels and slowly make changes with my appearance.

Neverwinter Nights Introduction to BDSM

Aug 17 2007 Neverwinter Nights Introduction to BDSM
Much to my delight and surprise, Ms B has taken interest in one of my all time favourite online role play games. In fact within the social game servers of online Neverwinter Nights I discovered my interest in BDSM. Starting in late 2004 I joined a role play game server where the focus subject matter was a BDSM themed battle of the sexes within a Dungeons and Dragons environment including some distant Gorean influences. One city dominated by men and one city dominated by woman. The Matriarchal society was most appealing to me in various physiological ways. How ever I took timid steps taking time to observe all the fascinating behavior surrounding me as I established a character (Crimson Sharpshank) who took a humble role as combat medic in the military of the male dominated society. Through my actions healing and strengthening my brothers, Crimson became a target of the enemy Female forces and soon found himself imprisoned and interrogated by the Queen herself. She quickly assessed that I was not a female hating slave driver. The Queen spent an hour to teach me the error of the ways of my brothers and made a one time deal with me for my freedom. In exchange that I do not provoke acts of war I am allowed to focus my energy on healing the wounded after combat was completed. Over time I observed that the most common scenario in this game world was to see the damsel in distress being dragged off by my brother warriors to be imprisoned, interrogated, assessed for there value to be ransomed or enslaved. Slave training with various levels/extremes of D/s was practiced in these two societies where the opposite sex had the lowest social standing. Another observation that has made me a little less out going is that the majority of players are actually real life males, including males who take the role as female. Eventually I moved on to a more mature server with an older player base and more real life females. I have set down some roots in that server and I welcome Ms B to visit some day in the future.

Sub Chat at the SL forum

Aug 16 2007 Sub Chat at the SL forum
After another full day at work I return home to learn that I must make preparation for my latest home renovation project. After checking into second life I discover I have some free time so I took advantage to do some work out side. Having completed the preparations out side I logged into Second life to visit the sub chat forum. One of the submissives describes her situation with her dominant granting her permission to meet new friends but she must bring them to meet the Dominant. The Dominant seems to glare at the new friends, as if behaving like a father or Jealous partner. Some ask if it is a sense of insecurity or simply his rightfully protective responsibility. There was no good answer offered to the situation but the conversation flowed into communicating to the dominant what the submissive wants. One remark seemed important for me to note when it comes to communicating with the dominant. When the sub has the opportunity to express them selves they need to be direct, concise and to the point. The idea of throwing around subtle hints will result in a futile and frustrating waist of time and effort. Moving on within that topic one sub was concerned whether her real life boy friend was trying to behave as her Dom just to make her happy or if he actually liked the role. She had been the first person in the relationship to initiate there exploration of BDSM and she asked him if he would treat her like a dom would treat a sub. Again the answer is communication but not as direct as asking “do you like being my Dom” but instead asking how do you feel about the ideas we have been sharing. In efforts to help the girl in opening her boy friend to all the possibilities a few ideas were shared. Reading some stories or descriptions of scenes could inspire some progressive thinking. Switching roles to set examples and create experiences to provide a base line of reference. Offering your personal writing that describes your idea of a scene and the physical and emotional sensations that you would expect to explore. Following the Sub chat I spent some time watching Big Brother and then before bed I made a few more preparations for my home renovation project.

Planning a visit to Gor.

Aug 15, 2007 Planning a visit to Gor.
Ms B mentioned that she was thinking of taking me to Gor. It would be an opportunity for me to see a different style of submission. I have never read the vast series of books but I have been exposed to various interpretations of Gorean society created in a Game world called Neverwinter Nights. This game has a tool set for designing and creating your own world where as many as 60 people can log in to share a role play experience. I have visited a few Gorean inspired servers with this game software and this is the extent of my experiences with Gorean society. I have listened to several females speaking of how they can rejoice in being a woman, where she is often an exciting, magnificent and glorious specimen in Gorean society. These ideas confuse me when I learned that Gorean society is based in the superiority of males who enslave females. I have heard that this enslavements typically reaches the highest of extremes where a slave can be treated like an animal to be broken and sold like property. Despite the negative implications I believe that there are many interesting aspects to explore that relate to BDSM. I am not sure where I will fit into the Gorean society but I know that Ms B can move into two possible roles. The most natural role for her would be the free woman. I have heard that the free woman typically has a male guard or protector that stays in her presence while she moves in public. I do not know if Free woman would have male submissives under there control in a society that is based in male supremacy. However I have seen male silks so perhaps the interpretation of Gorean society has been relaxed to include Submissive males. On the opposite side of the fence I could not imagine that Ms B would be comfortable to risk role playing as a Panther girl. From the descriptions I have heard, the Panther girls do take males as prisoners so this has some exciting potential for me but Panther girls are always at risk of capture from Gorean men. What ever role that I am asked to portray, I am open and eager to share this new experience with Ms B.

Sharing each other, forming deep bonds

Aug 14 2007 Sharing each other, forming deep bonds
On Sunday night Ms B had instructed me that the up stairs room was off limits to me unless invited. This is her home and the upstairs is her space and I can respect that boundary. Additionally she spent some time making preparations in that room and asked me to log in early in the morning for she had a surprise for me. I was delighter to comply and so we met early the next morning. Due to circumstances not under our control we had to post pone the surprise until this morning when I was invited into her room. She had prepared the room to put me to good use as well as share an intimate moment through voice chat. This was a new experience for both of us but it never occurred to me as being uncomfortable or tense. Perhaps I seemed a little gity, and perhaps I suffered some anxiety but I did not realize it at any point. The most intense feeling that consistently crossed my mind was my sensation of awe and connection to her that she was sharing such intimate moments with me. Before we parted ways for the morning Ms B had instructed me to lock my chastity device on myself for the day. Later that morning at work, the events of this morning replayed in my minds eye. As a result I experienced a confined throbbing erection with an uncomfortable amount of pressure on my balls due to the chastity cage clamp design. The squirming sensation was very sensual as my cock grew inside and down the curved cage, filling the space and squeezing the lubricants and air out. In contrast at the same time my balls were being tugged by the cage ball clamp, as the shaft of my cock throbs inside the retaining ring, pushing the cage further away from my pelvis. An hour later and then again it seemed once an hour all day I had a similar experience. I found myself spending a little bit less time sitting to work and more time walking or standing. With each step I felt the light weight cage tugging and jiggling at my genitals with the occasional squirming sensation on my glans. Now that I have returned home I opened my Second life program and once again enjoy the contrasting sensations of my chastity cage after reading a special note from Ms B. More powerful are the deep emotional connections and my confident feelings that yes I am walking the right path, following Ms B.

Procedures for when I make mistakes.

Aug 12, 2007 Procedures for when I make mistakes.
This morning I had just a few minutes to chat with Ms B. She had plans so she had to get going, but before she did she asked me to complete a task. I remember thinking that the words she typed were slightly confusing and in haste I did not want to start repeating what I thought she wanted me to do. I suppose it was arrogant for me to put aside my confusion and read into what I thought she was asking. Later in the afternoon she confronted me asking what she had told me to do. As it turned out I had failed to understand what she had really wanted so she pointed out that my anticipation and assumptions of her wants, needs and desires can get me into trouble. Perhaps it is more important for me to confirm that what I think she wants, is actually correct before I rush off to do it. We both know that despite my best intentions, it is inevitable that I make many mistakes and there is a procedure for me to follow in such an event. Once I realize that I have created a problem I should stop to think and evaluate the origin of my errors. Coming to terms with the situation means that I should want to accept the consequences of my actions no matter how big or small I might think the issue might be. It is then appropriate to confess my errors and beg for forgiveness. If I know there are specific consequences for my actions, then it would be appropriate for me to beg for punishment. I must admit this last part is a strange concept for me, but now that I know the rules, I can follow the procedures and willingly accept the punishment. I trust Ms B and her judgement so even if I don’t understand the details or why she does things I am confident that she is acting in our best interests. All she needs from me is my willingness to accept her authority, responding appropriately because this is the foundation of our D/s relationship.

The Natural Origins of my BDSM Fetish

Aug 11, 2007 The Natural Origins of my BDSM Fetish
Today Ms B had suggested that if I were to look into my youth that I would remember situations that I could relate back to my interests in BDSM. As I learned about the subject matter in late 2004 I began to realize that BDSM is a catch all expression to describe many of the behaviours that I had naturally and innocently explored all through my life. To my astonishment my first memory of behaving naturally in this subject matter was as a boy , younger then 12 years old. I was laying in bed with a collection of long thin balloons blown up and tied in rings. I would roll them around my body from upper arms down to my ankles as if they were body bindings or soft futuristic restraints and imagine that I was captured by an aggressive female. I could not remember specifically why she wanted to capture me but it was exciting enough for me to just think that she wanted me under her complete control. These moments of youth is where I discovered my sexuality as I recall the physical arousal and slippery moisture oozing from the tip of my penis. I now related the memory to my extreme arousal to submitting to captivity directly from the superior female persona, control being physically taken away, subjected to bondage, feel of latex, subjected to experimentation, the rush from fear of the unknown and yet the female presence is behaving in a nurturing, caring, possessive tone.

Sub space chat in the SL forum

Aug 10, 2007 Sub space chat in the SL forum
After having a busy day at work it was very relaxing to come home and unwind with Ms B. She whisked me off for a shopping trip and such an excursion can really loosen me up. I had a lot of fun chatting and musing with her as we tried on new hair styles and colours. As is with life all good things come to an end but the fond memories shall remain. It was important to Ms B that I supported the Sub chat forum and so I parted form her magnetic company to make a presence with the hope to learn something new. Indeed this topic was new to me in that I have never had the experiences as was described in the discussions. I have heard of sub space in the past but it might come in helpful to have a fresh memory of the topic. Some descriptions suggest that the mind of the sub will slip into a primal state, dream like, narrowly focussed like tunnel vision, vulnerable to suggestion, altered state of mind like a trance, emotions easily manipulated. Each sub might describe there experience differently including the recovering experience sometimes referred to the Sub Drop. Coming down from a high or the recovering from the subspace can have various emotional or mental sensations that all the submissive have agreed that the Dom/me needs to take care for the sub through the whole experience including follow up or aftercare, possibly discovering new emotions a day later. I wish I had something to offer in contribution but this is where the sub chat ended. Simply a topic I could not relate to but perhaps it will help me in the future.

Deserving punishment and a kneeling experience

Aug 9, 2007 Deserving punishment Amendment
After Ms B took the time to read my journal she had a question for me. I believe that Ms B felt that I deserve to be punished. I do not want to be punished but I welcome it enthusiastically because it will be a new experience with possible entertainment and learning value. I do not feel a mental or emotional need for release from any guilt because my crimes were not conscious acts of transgression. I expect there to be consequences for my actions and I am fully willing and prepared to accept anything that Ms B feels is necessary. I have released myself from the burden to deciding what I deserve for consequences of any miss deeds I do. I expect Ms B to carry this responsibility and I will not take her judgments as a personal attack. When Ms B asked me if I felt I deserved to be punished for my past actions I attempted to respond with the truth in that very micro second of time. I did not have the right word to describe what I had just wrote above so the words I used was that I did not take this all that seriously but I report my transgressions openly for you to use against me as you see fit. Indeed a poor choice of words but I felt indifferent to implications of the question because I did not know exactly what situation she was refering to. For me to answer the question completely I would need to review each situation case by case and attempt to assign a value to my crimes but I have no experience to use as a base of reference. I do not have control over any of this, so in order to not drive myself crazy I need to release my desire to have control. If I were to take the topic of punishment as a serious situation for me to control then there would be a conflict of opinions with Ms B and myself. I take the opposite role in this topic, thus my answer to her was that I do not take this all too seriously. Towards the end of our discussion Ms B told me to kneel, and so I did for the duration of 20 minutes while we chatted. Yes it was extremely uncomfortable. After I sat down again I started to feel the blood vessels around my knees starting to throb. I cannot imagine how kneeling could be a safe practice for lengthily periods of time but I think a little bit of strength or endurance training would help. I found it difficult to concentrate on our conversation because I was also adjusting my posture to reduce my discomfort. I did equate this to being punished, or her example to me of what I would experience physically and emotionally if she were to officially punish me. She did not explain why she wanted me to kneel and I did not feel a need to know. What is important is the experience and what I learn from it. I learned that kneeling is not comfortable and the only positive thing is that it makes Ms B happy to see me comply with her wishes.

Pony Play Part 1 : Basic Psychology

Aug 7, 2007 Pony Play Part 1 : Basic Psychology
Sunday night Ms B and a friend took me to explore a pony park. The next day I showed Ms B my pony boy play gear. Then today Ms B presented me with a new tail, Pony Boy hoofs and an animated walk. I think both Ms B and I will very much enjoy playing with this fascinating kink. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to me and these are my impressions. This type of role play allows me the freedom to behave and emote in a simple instinctive animalistic horse like perspective. The wild pony(feral?) is a far cry from the trained show pony so this level of pony development needs to be established before Role play begins. A trained pony is the highest social standing that a pet could be, yet the pony is innocent and does not realize its social stature. Thus the pony must be humble, natural, free from its human inhibitions and pride. The pony would not behave differently if it were to be naked and exposed in public or dressed up in flashy tack because the pony does not have a concept of self image. The Pony must learn to trust and accept the extreme trappings and controls in the hands of the trainer. A pony trainer would require a good measure of patients, self discipline and an astute eye to be a good judge of character. To become a trained pony is a highly submissive behavior and requires self discipline, humility, athletic endurance and a great desire to achieve the goals and aspirations of the trainer. I have many more ideas of what the Pony rituals might entail so I shall continue my discussion some time in the future.

Another dumb experiment gone wrong

Aug 6, 2007 Another dumb experiment gone wrong
8 days since I submitted control of my sexuality to Ms B at which point I was not permitted to play with myself. 12 days since my last climax and just yesterday I was granted permission to start playing again. I did not waist time getting started as I was alone in the afternoon, then again form 9 to 12 that night and again this morning from 10 to 1. My self confidence in control was high as I did amazingly well in avoiding a climax until 1 pm. That is when everything went horribly wrong. Sure I could toss out excuses like sleep deprivation and horniness makes me really dumb. It was that split second of time that I was just not thinking and I saw something that made me say, yeah, that has antibacterial properties, it must be safe to try. To make a long story short, let me just say that urethra play is not safe in the hands of the uneducated. As a result of my experiment not only did I loose complete control of the stimulus, but I climaxed without having permission. Then worse yet as the hour passed I discovered that I was having a reaction to the experiment and began to physically suffer as a result. I confessed my sins to Ms B at the first chance I got, but I do not think she understood all the details. I typed out some relevant information and gave it to her in a note card so she could read it in her free time. I did much worse 2 years ago when the doctor educated me and Ms B had warned me again not long ago. The part that bothers me the most is that I really made her upset and worry about me, just adding to her stress. The bottom line is, I knew better so I am submitting myself to Ms B for punishment and fully accepting the consequences.

Just trust in that Mistress knows best.

Aug 5, 2007 Just trust in that Mistress knows best.
I suppose I was in a cocky mood today as Ms B and I were chatting while working on our house. I made some smart ass comments that if we were in public she would not approve, but in private, I believe she could be grinning from ear to ear behind my back. Soon we settled into focusing full attention on the construction with short breaks for consultation. I took this opportunity to mentioned my serious issue with the tool belt. Ms B told me how to fix it but I was terrified to comply so I wasted 10 minutes searching for instructions and options to confirm her directions. Eventually I gave up and clicked the “ finished “ button just as Ms B had described earlier. Praise be to the Goddess, my tool belt was fixed and Ms B was none the wiser that I had doubted her. Returning to work for nearly an hour when suddenly Ms B called me a Brat. I concealed a smirk and shrugged it off because I had no idea she was being serious. She walked past and behind me when out of the corner of my eye I noticed she had armed herself with a crop. I scampered to the ground before her and knelt in panic and confusion. She told me to stand and turn around. The slap of leather against denim shuddered me forward with surprise as the crop landed on my bum cheek. My hand instinctively moved back but stopping in time as the crop began stroking the effected area. The soothing motions evolved into playful vibrating pats in a rhythmic beat, then stopping as Ms B questioned my thoughts. She asked if I had felt the need to defend myself with words to convince her to hold back her disciplinary intentions. I truthfully said no, that I was confused, clueless and only felt the need to kneel at her feet to express my submission. She seemed a little surprised at my answer as I secretly thought of her words from the past that she does not need to justify her actions to me. Just trust in that Mistress knows best.

Red, Yellow, Green, Go! BDSM Lists

Aug 4 2007 Red, Yellow, Green, Go! BDSM Lists
I discovered another interesting and extensive BDSM list of likes and dislikes. I love thinking about and choosing my interests from the list with the fantasy of Ms B discovering all the naughty things that interest me. Imagine how she would use this information for mutual entertainment. The annoying part about some lists is when it asks if I specifically “ like “ the mental or physical stimulus. Due to my lack of experiences I cannot place a value on something I do not know, but I want to express my interest in trying it. The only option to select is “ I am open to trying this activity “ and that option is only one step away from saying I don’t have an interest but I will submit. It is hard to describe but I don’t think it looks honest if I ignore the rating scale and select “ Yes, I love this. Give me more! “ For every item that turns me on. Anyways, this was just one example of a BDSM list. Each list has different ways of expressing your interests or experience. I am embarrassed to select some of the topics at all thus once again failing to let that one most important woman know what I am interested in. It is almost easier to present a Red light, yellow light list and note that everything else missing is a big Green light for GO! I prepared a small list like that last week, but I think I can add some details now that I have done more research.

A friend discovers my bad behaviour

August 3, 2007 A friend discovers my bad behaviour
Staying in the property of Ms B’s SL home I was playing with my inventory for a good part of the evening until one of my friends greeted me through Yahoo instant messenger. We started chatting and one thing lead to the next where I discussed the exciting events occurring in my life. To give my friend a better perspective I offered an explicit open look at my journal entries in my blog. My friend took a great deal of time and effort to read my entries and pointed out a number of significant issues that we discussed. The most significant issue was my passive aggressive comment about not wishing to discuss the details of my feeling regarding having a brother join our family. My friend pointed out that I had betrayed the intent of my journal by with holding my feelings and by testing to see if Ms B would call me out on this issue. Although it pains me greatly to both admit my failings and describe the feelings that I with held from Ms B, I shall start to make amends. I look down upon people and myself when I see the feelings of jealousy growing and festering. I should be mature enough to deal with my emotions but you can imagine how difficult it is for a person to share there loved one with a rival. Ms B and I had discussed the situation in advance and I agreed to accept and supported her decision despite my hidden reservations. I have seen how many Dom/me commonly collect a harem and as a submissive I feel I must accept any decision made by my Domme or choose to end the relationship if I cannot find peace of mind. I had thought that a third person in our family would reduce the time I get to spend with Ms B. Some people think that competition brings out the best in people, but in my experiences I have only seen the worst and this was one of the very reasons I quit racing. All this negativity is depressing so I look on the bright side and say that a brother would add a new and interesting dynamic to the family. I know that more males serving to please Ms B would entertain her greatly and seeing her happy will make me happy. So far I have not had to deal with any feelings regarding a third member added to our family but if some thing changes I must remember to express my feelings in the appropriate time and place. As for my two counts of misbehaviour, I willing submit myself to her for what ever punishment she sees fit.