Deserving punishment and a kneeling experience

Aug 9, 2007 Deserving punishment Amendment
After Ms B took the time to read my journal she had a question for me. I believe that Ms B felt that I deserve to be punished. I do not want to be punished but I welcome it enthusiastically because it will be a new experience with possible entertainment and learning value. I do not feel a mental or emotional need for release from any guilt because my crimes were not conscious acts of transgression. I expect there to be consequences for my actions and I am fully willing and prepared to accept anything that Ms B feels is necessary. I have released myself from the burden to deciding what I deserve for consequences of any miss deeds I do. I expect Ms B to carry this responsibility and I will not take her judgments as a personal attack. When Ms B asked me if I felt I deserved to be punished for my past actions I attempted to respond with the truth in that very micro second of time. I did not have the right word to describe what I had just wrote above so the words I used was that I did not take this all that seriously but I report my transgressions openly for you to use against me as you see fit. Indeed a poor choice of words but I felt indifferent to implications of the question because I did not know exactly what situation she was refering to. For me to answer the question completely I would need to review each situation case by case and attempt to assign a value to my crimes but I have no experience to use as a base of reference. I do not have control over any of this, so in order to not drive myself crazy I need to release my desire to have control. If I were to take the topic of punishment as a serious situation for me to control then there would be a conflict of opinions with Ms B and myself. I take the opposite role in this topic, thus my answer to her was that I do not take this all too seriously. Towards the end of our discussion Ms B told me to kneel, and so I did for the duration of 20 minutes while we chatted. Yes it was extremely uncomfortable. After I sat down again I started to feel the blood vessels around my knees starting to throb. I cannot imagine how kneeling could be a safe practice for lengthily periods of time but I think a little bit of strength or endurance training would help. I found it difficult to concentrate on our conversation because I was also adjusting my posture to reduce my discomfort. I did equate this to being punished, or her example to me of what I would experience physically and emotionally if she were to officially punish me. She did not explain why she wanted me to kneel and I did not feel a need to know. What is important is the experience and what I learn from it. I learned that kneeling is not comfortable and the only positive thing is that it makes Ms B happy to see me comply with her wishes.