A Waist of Good Intentions.

I spent a great deal of time and effort trying to prevent issues from resulting with the interpretation of information that my friend had posted in a public forum. Perhaps it was presumptuous for me to think I knew better and for me to recommend revisions to the text that my friend had posted. I thought it was justified when my friend claimed to have agreed with me and claimed to have made revisions but upon reading the posting later I discovered that there were no changes. I broached the subject and felt confident to take it upon myself to add a post and clarify what we had agreed upon. Later, one of these very issues came up for interpretation but my friend was not available to make a judgement or clarification. Instead a higher authority stepped in and made a judgement that was contrary to my posting and that in my opinion was unfair to the person who was in question. The time has passed for any of this to be relevant and yet I still feel annoyed that I appeared to be the ignorant one. Is it my strong sense of pride that keeps nagging at me when no one else seems to have noticed the situation? The only conflict that remains is the one inside me and I am having a hard time letting go, but sadly that is what I think I need to do.

Inhibitions, Embarrassment and Humiliation

I am having a hard time expressing myself to MsB in regard to defining the acceptable different between Embarrassment and Humiliation. She strongly emphasizes that Humiliation is not her kink but she does delight in making me blush or stutter over my inhibitions or minor embarrassments. We have both shared public role play with collar and leash, kneeling and clothing control as one fun and positive example. I think we both very much enjoy this aspect of D/s play even though it can include mild elements of emotional and mental embarrassment or humiliation. This is a good example where we need to define the word humiliation only because I have invoked the word in this example, rightly or wrongly. I am inhibited by this confusion to express some of my kinks because I would be tempted to describe some kinks as being embarrassing or humiliating. I would like to find a word that will differentiate between fun/playful humiliation that can be shared with her in private, and negative or public humiliation that we both would reject. I suppose it is wrong for me to hide this issue for so long thus letting it effect my ability to talk openly about some of my kinks that I define as being potentially humiliating yet something that I wish I could explore with her.

The B-day Gift of Patients

When I think about birthdays, the first thing I think about is sharing my time with family. Simply visiting my Mom and Dad, chatting over dinner, relaxing in there company would be satisfying enough for me. Some people feel the need to share their day with as many friends and family as possible. For example my friends had had birthdays coming up and they decided to share the occasion with a large group outing at a tavern with over 20 invited guests. MsB has a birthday coming up and I can imagine her day being different yet more focused around her family. In reading my journal I hope MsB will see that I understand how birthdays are filled with unexpected events where time must be patiently divided among numerous people who are important in your life. In fact I would imagine that if we do find time to share together on her birthday, we will be chatting about many of the interesting events of the day, with the occasional phone call filled with warm birthday wishes. I will prepare a few tokens of my esteem but it will not be a time dependant thing so that she can move about the day without feeling any obligation towards me. We can celebrate her Birthday when we both find free time to do so, even if we have to wait a day or two. I am happy to be flexible in this way. I like to think that this is one of the ways that I practice submission to her, in that she knows I am patient and not demanding but I still cherish all the time and attention she rewards me with.

A New Role Play Scenario

Ms B and I have established three different scenarios where we practice, experiment or apply the principles of various D/s relationships. In one of these scenarios Ms B is role playing a character who was raised in a society where females are superior by birth right thus males are controlled using any means necessary. Typically the birth mother hands the new born male over to one of her daughters or sisters to be raised. Socializing a male child to be compliant to all females is begun immediately and various levels of discipline is applied for the slightest failure. Those males who do not measure up to the expectations of the females, will find themselves in hopeless situations, assuming they survive the testing and trials of life at all. Males with some measure of potential will still feel the fear of a wrathful female but will also be manipulated in varying extremes by competing females for his loyalty. My character is not from her society but still he is expected to submit to her will without question or hesitation. My character would have been considered chattel, property or a slave labour, accept for the fact that she had discovered he has a few valuable properties worth controlling and exploiting. After some manipulation, experimentation and divine intervention, she has altered my character into a compliant tool. His actions are not motivated through desire to make her happy but instead knowing that if she is satisfied with him then she will reward him in ways that no other person can. Failing to satisfy her will have unpleasant consequences. His existence has been bound to her through unholy means so that even though it is humiliating to be lead by her leash, he must protect her with his life.

A Merit Based Society.

When my friend went back to her home country to visit friends and family she felt awkward about telling or showing them the extent of her massing of wealth or assets over the past 5 years by working and living here. My friend described her feeling how some people pretended to praise her for the hard work and good fortunes, but seemed somehow disingenuous. She sensed various levels of dishonesty, patronizing, sarcasm, and jealousy. She concluded how she felt that she could never go back to live in her home land now that she has adapted to the drastically different life style here in north America. This is where I jumped in to point out how hard she had to work to achieve all the rewards she has and how delicate of a balance it is to maintain our above average lifestyle. I reminded her that the people in her home land could not imagine what it was like to adapt to this country or how self reliant and independent we north Americans tend to be in comparison. Those who live beyond their means will quickly find them selves wanting or falling behind. Foreigners might think this is a land where the money grows on the trees, where they feel a sense of entitlement to be supported by a socialistic government. I reminded her how north American style capitalism will only reward you based on effort, perseverance, risk and personal merit of your actions. Generally you get what you earn and you earn what you are worth. The north American celebrity phenomena is the least realistic frame of reference and simply does not represent the people of our nations. Basically, you can make your our own destiny and you have no one but your self to blame for not realizing your goals.

One Week Turn Around – Heroshi Part 7

Last week Molli-Chan had displeased Heroshi by acting out with a dramatic public display of childishness. It was necessary to leash her and correct the inappropriate behavior right on the spot. Additionally I had counted out loud for each act that deserved punishing which eventually ended at eight before we both realized that perhaps there was another direction to move. After getting her home I formalized a short list of rules and etiquette for behavior and I proposed that she had the next week to prove to me that she will comply. I told her if she displeased me during the week that the eight punishments would be added to what ever punishment she earned in this week. I then told her how I wanted to see her succeed and travel with me as my companion through my everyday activities, growing together and sharing life in our D/s relationship. As a reward for pleasing me through the week I told her that I would rescind the punishments. She seemed agreeable to this proposal so I began testing her compliance and much to my surprise and delight she was feeling … erum ... how to say it? Amorous? Anyways, now that most of her time is up, I am beginning to plan my next move. I think I should test to see how far she is willing to submit. At the same time I do not want to make the challenge too absurd that she thinks I am a nut case who will not let her succeed. Finding some middle ground is the challenge that I have not resolved for as of yet. I find myself nervously impatient with myself to find solutions and new BDSM related activities for Molli-Chan. On the contrary, MsB seems to be relaxed and infinitely patient with her dominance over me. I wonder if she feels the same way as I do yet hides it from me, or she truly is at peace.

To Be or Not to Be.

The challenge of training my somewhat unwilling slave Molli-Chan has given me a greater appreciation for what MsB might go through as my Mistress in our D/s Relationship. I feel the heavy mental weight of my self imposed serious attitude in dealing with her behaviors, correcting her mistakes, planning ahead, teaching her rules, and being ever vigilant in watching to see if she strays from my path. It can be a challenging struggle to keep control of both her and myself as she tests the boundaries that I impose upon her. The life of the submissive seemed to feel a little more relaxed. Perhaps I should spend more time thinking about Mistress needs, wants and desires, but I know that I cannot presume I understand what they are unless she specifically told me. Generally I think being submissive affords me a less stressful role of reactive, rather then proactive or imposing the action. Simply following orders instead of planning and dictating the orders. The role of the dominant seems to be more mentally fatiguing at the same time as both roles can be emotionally and physically fatiguing. The reward of being dominant is seeing your submissive grow, adapt and succeed. The dominant has control to reward themselves, where as the submissive is more dependant upon the Dominant rewarding them. This discussion raises a question. Do I prefer to have the control and the stress of greater responsibility, or do I prefer to relinquish control so as to ease my burden? Shouldn’t there be a middle ground?

Satisfaction of Verbal Control - Heroshi Part 6

Molli-Chan is still annoyed with the situation that Hero has place her in. She recognizes that he has control over her within the town in the broad sense. She feels her personal training in combat skills cannot yet match Hero’s skill but the hope of surpassing his skill keeps her motivated. She is putting up with his demands and expectations although taking every opportunity to test the limits. When she tests my resolve I feel justified in subjecting her to various punishments that are intended to teach her what I expect from her in the future. One general topic that most punishments tend to exercise can be described in the words pride, humility and inhibitions. Another topic that needs to be reinforce is that she is expected to be in servitude to me so she must recognize that Heroshi’s needs, wants and desires come first above her wants and desires. To this end I had placed a device upon her leaving her in a perpetual state of arousal. To prevent her from reaching satisfaction I then locked a chastity belt on her and left her alone to simmer in her juices. Returning to her in 45 minutes she was very receptive and eager to follow my orders without much hesitation. In the conclusion we both experienced a pleasurable release and I was very satisfied that she behaved in the very way I had envisioned. Personally I found the entire situation extremely arousing and I think the feeling of having her comply to my verbal commands had greatly added to my emotional satisfaction.

Ms B and Heroshi Part 5

Heroshi has taken advantage of his student, Molli-Chan in her moment of weakness and taken her virginity thus reducing the viability for her arranged marriage. She was very upset but Hero reassured her that his intention was to make her his “First”. Molli mistakenly interoperated this to mean she would become Hero’s first wife and surprised Hero when she mentioned this to people in public for the first time. Hero subtly took action and manipulated her into entering his dungeon cell where he promptly locked her in. Tricking Molli-Chan into Heroshi’s dungeon cell made me feel a sense of control that when she learns that Hero has enslaved her she cannot escape or cause him some embarrassment with the towns folk. He wants time to settle her down and guide her into accepting her fate. After leaving her alone to think about what has happen to her, Hero returned to find that she destroyed the stocks and shredded the ropes in her dungeon cell. Ignoring the fact, Hero placed a platter of food and goblets of drink within her reach and suggested that she eat. With a hint of attitude she replied that she did not feel like eating. Hero corrected her reply by calmly saying to her. “No Molli-Chan, that is unacceptable, the correct response would be: Master, I beg your forgiveness, I cannot eat for I am not well.“ She looked at me in silence and disbelief as I took away her meal and consumed it within visual range of her. Finally, without another word, leaving her alone to think of what had just happened. A short time later she called out to me “Please Master, I do not want to be left in this cage” A smile crossed my lips as I heard a sign that she has mentally taken the first big step toward submission.

Anxiety Over Birthday Wishes

Birthdays: Every kid looks forward to their birthday. As we mature we start looking out side of the selfish child attitude and seek to make your loved ones happy for their birthday. I have grown so detached to my birth day that I discourage friends from taking interest in my birthday. Through my experiences with Ms B I have learned that in my attempt to discourage them I might be depriving them of something … a chance to give of themselves to me. This deprives them of feeling good about them selves when they see that they have met or exceeded my expectations for my birthday. Using the word expectation is a cold way to describe this social exchange and emotional behaviours on a birthday. Unfortunately this is what I seek to do when I think about someone’s birthday. I try to think of what their expectations might be and then seek to achieve or exceed them. Some birthdays have greater value then others, for example my father will be turning 70 and this is a special occasion. Perhaps it is special only for the idea that society has programmed us to think that this would be a mile stone. Like becoming of teen age, or sweet 16 or 20 or 25 or anything divisible in 5. Anyways … the big question is how do I settle my anxiety about meeting peoples birthday expectations without taking the emotions out of it.